


Stay, Like An Endless Promise

by caramiro



Category: So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: Canon Related, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 20:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3949801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramiro/pseuds/caramiro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jessica is no longer a member of SNSD, and Yoona wonders if it’s all her fault</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay, Like An Endless Promise

**Author's Note:**

> * I wasn't exactly in the same room as SNSD when 9/30 happened, so I based this on news, rumors, and had to make up my own conclusions  
> 
>   
> 
> * prompt used was B1A4's [Solo Day](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcSjLaQ4PQo)  
>   
> 

  
  
  
It’s a familiar sight, yet it feels so foreign at the same time. Yoona takes in the pastel rose sea, letting its lights be the only thing she sees. She loathes this feeling—the uneasiness, the need for shelter, and the longing for silence—and she hates that she still has to smile and laugh despite all this. She wants to lose herself in the lights and blasting background music she’s heard on loop for months. She hopes the monotony of the familiar tunes and the warmth and comfort of the bright lights take her elsewhere, so she closes her eyes. The shouts get incoherent and the lights all become one to her as she seeks her happy place.  
  
For once in her life, she can’t bring herself to fake a smile despite what she feels inside. The fans will understand why they’re being like this. Yoona can almost roll her eyes at the irony of it all. This whole fanmeet, called  _Girls Generation First Party in Shenzhen_ , feels like anything but a party.  
  
Reality bites her as she opens her eyes. She’s still stuck onstage, looking at a sea of fans asking for answers that aren’t there. She can’t bear to look at anything else, let alone the other members standing on stage with her. They all have their ways of dealing with misery, fatigue, and whatever else it is each of them are feeling right now. Earlier, Yuri let the fans do what she didn’t have the strength to do herself—sing Jessica’s parts on their behalf. Yoona can’t blame her. After all, she would have done the same had she been the one tasked to do what she feels is impossible. It is easy to fill in for someone who is eventually going to come back, but to erase someone from history? It is going to be a grueling process. After all, there is evidence that once upon a time, things were different and everything was perfect.  
  
She walks on the stage, trying her best to interact with the fans who came all the way to see them despite all this. As she reaches out to shake hands with a fan holding up a banner with her name on it, something else makes her stop in her tracks. It’s another banner. It isn’t supposed to be anything special, but the words behind it bear a heavy meaning.  
  
“8+1 = Complete”  
  
Even the fans refuse to move forward. After all, she knows it’s too much for them to take in. The emotions are still at an all time high, and she’s amazed at how quickly they are able to come up with these things. Then again, Yoona knows better than anyone not to doubt SONES’ magic powers and capacity to perform miracles. She wonders, if she wishes for things to stop being so complicated, will any SONE be able to grant her wish? She would chuckle at her own wit if she was alone in the comfort of her own mind. But, she is still up onstage, and there are people watching every move she makes. One smile could spiral into something beyond her control and she can’t let that happen. Besides, she isn’t in any mood for any happiness anyway.  
  
Letting her gaze wander around the stage as they sing “Complete,” Yoona sees Seohyun standing in the middle, crying as she tries to sing her lines. She looks vulnerable and confused—a first in their more than ten years of friendship. She exhales through her nose, grits her teeth, and clenches her fists as she makes her way to the younger girl. Just as she’s inches away from her friend, she sees the spot where Seohyun’s eyes are focused on. Oh. It’s the sea of pink lights. Yoona internally sighs as she feels her eyes get wet as she stares at that part of the pink ocean she has been willing herself to ignore all night. Those “J” lightsticks that have made their presence known and felt, ruining the tranquility she seeks in those lights. She and Seohyun have their arms around each other as they walk back to the main stage, where the lights aren’t as harsh and blinding. They have to hold themselves together—for the fans, but most of all, for themselves.  
  
Before Yoona can move away, she feels a gentle tug at her arm. She locks eyes with Seohyun, who whispers, “Did they come for us, or for  _her_?”  
  
She usually has a smart (or stupid, if you look at it from Seohyun’s opinion) comeback for these kinds of questions, but for once, she finds herself at a loss for words. She herself doesn’t know the answer to that. She shrugs at Seohyun, who looks so desperate for some kind of magic—a joke, an answer, or a miracle, or anything—to take their minds off this reality. She’s unsure which one of them whispers, “Don’t let me go,” as they head back to the other members. Yoona feels her fingers digging deep into Seohyun’s skin, as though clinging to her will keep her from drifting away from reality.  
  
It isn’t easier, as they struggle to answer the questions the host asks them. The questions aren’t difficult, but the fans who make things harder for them than necessary. Yoona wonders how the fans can’t understand that the only reason the eight of them standing in front of them haven’t broken down on stage crying was for them, the faithful fans who came all this way for this. It isn’t easy holding it all in. Each time someone else speaks, her voice gets lost amidst the fans chanting “Jessica!” over and over again. Yes, she knows the fans are hurt and confused by everything, but don’t they realize that what they’re doing is hurting the rest of them up on stage?  
  
Jessica’s gone, but the pink lights and the fans shine on for her, as much as for the rest of them.  
  
It’s not fair.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“Have you ever imagined life beyond this?”  
  
Yoona almost dropped the script she’d been studying at the sound of the Jessica’s voice. She was supposed to be home alone, since she was given time to study the script for a movie offer to see if this was meant to be her first big screen role, but it looked like those plans had changed.  
  
“Nice of you to drop by, stranger,” she said, smiling at Jessica who settled on the couch’s space Yoona hadn’t occupied.  
  
It’s been years since most of them moved out of their dorm. In her case, she lived there during promotions and then just went home when she wasn’t. Rehearsals ended late the night before and she was too tired to go home, so she ended up crashing at the dorm. Some of the other members were out recording their parts, so she had some time to think whether she wanted to do that film or not. As she read the character brief for the film, she wondered if this was the role that would finally convince people that she was a serious actress, and not just another idol trying to act. If she were to ask the other members’ opinions on it, she knew they’d tell her to go for it.  
  
Then again, she wondered if it was worth it. None of her dramas had seen success after  _You Are My Destiny_  which was back in 2008. She wondered if the lack of ratings were her fault. She thought so. Scratch that. She knew it. All her leading men had been bankable in their own right. Yoona bet ratings would have blown the roofs off if other leading ladies took her roles instead. She sighed as she threw the script on the coffee table.  
  
“What did this ever do to you?” Jessica asked, laughing as she picked up the papers which ended up falling to the floor.  
  
Yoona blinked as she stared at the script, which Jessica was reading. She almost forgot she wasn’t alone.  
  
“You never answered my question.”  
  
Yoona frowned as she tried to think of an answer. In all honesty, maybe she had, but not in full detail. She’d always known that SNSD wasn’t meant to last. They all knew that. In her heart, she admitted that she wanted to stay with the group for as long as she could. After all, SNSD was all she’d ever known for the past nine years. Sure, she had a lot more solo activities and endorsements compared to some of the other members, but in her heart, she’d always been SNSD’s Yoona. Sometimes, she wondered what would happen to her once the SNSD part was gone.  
  
“What do you mean?” she asked, peering into Jessica’s brown eyes as though they’d provide her some sort of clue.  
  
Jessica chuckled as she flipped the pages of the script. “You know. What are your plans once our contracts end… again?”  
  
They had all renewed their contracts with SM Entertainment weeks ago. This time, the contracts were a lot shorter and a lot more flexible, each according to the girls’ preferences. Yoona’s was meant to last for at least three more years, and then she’d see what happened from there. After all, her contract with SM Entertainment was for both as a member of SNSD and as an actress. If she would be honest with herself, she wanted the group to last for as long as they all wanted it to. If not, then, maybe she could try and see where acting will take her. She still had some time to improve her skills, but she was uncertain if she was ready to ask for more challenging roles. She wasn’t even sure if directors and producers were willing to cast her in any role that went against her image as SNSD’s Yoona. How did they expect her to grow if that was the case? Maybe not now, but in a few years. She only hoped time was still on her side.  
  
“I… I mean, I’ve wondered, but I never completely thought about it,” she said, scratching her head. “Why’d you ask?”  
  
Jessica shrugged as she settled her feet on Yoona’s lap, after the latter gave up repeatedly putting them off. “I love what we’re doing now, and I couldn’t be happier about how far we’ve come. But I was just thinking. There’s still a lot I want to do, and we’re not getting any younger,” she said. “I mean, I’m glad things are slowly falling into place with my brand, but I can’t stop there. I feel like there’s so much more I have to do with my life.”  
  
Yoona nodded as she took this all in. She wondered how Jessica still had time to figure this out, despite their crazy schedules. She herself found it amazing she was able to juggle university and being a member of Korea’s most in-demand girl group. Yoona didn’t know if she could imagine a life outside the entertainment industry. This was what she always wanted, and she knew this was the life she signed up for the moment she lined up outside SM Entertainment that fateful morning. This was all she’d ever known and all she’d ever dreamed of. She couldn’t fathom a future beyond this. Was she ambitionless for thinking this way?  
  
“No, you’re not ambitionless,” Jessica said, shaking her head. Yoona almost wondered if she said that out loud. Then again, they knew each other’s nuances all too well by now. “This is what you dreamed of and you’re doing what you can to get to where you want to be. I just… I just have other goals to fulfill. I want to study designing and make my brand the best it can be. Unlike you, I don’t think I’m meant to stay in entertainment once we’re done here.”  
  
“Right, and I’m the world’s greatest actress,” Yoona snorted as she watched Jessica finish reading the movie script. Jessica was probably one of the most in-demand members of the group, and she had her sister Krystal in the entertainment industry with her. They could do that whole sister-act thing, whether their contracts were done or not.  
  
Jessica put the script back in Yoona’s hands before she stood up and stretched. As she twisted her body back and forth, she smiled as she pointed to the script. “Based on the script alone, I think you should take that role,” she said. “I know our Yoona’s going to be awesome.”  
  
Before Yoona could say anything else, Jessica had already walked over to the kitchen. She would have moved to follow, but the other members who were out recording suddenly started arriving and both Sooyoung and Yuri had pounced on her, teasing her about becoming a big star in China.  
  
“A big star… All alone? Without the rest of you? Yeah right.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
“We did it for the group,” Taeyeon says, as they stand in the practice room, waiting for their choreographer to arrive. Yoona remembers this is also what Taeyeon told the fans at the TaeTiSeo fanmeet that took place when they got back from China. Yoona wonders if their leader managed to convince the fans. She swears people don’t give the fans enough credit. They are probably some of the most determined people there, not to mention unforgiving. The memories of that time Yunho was poisoned by an anti-fan still haunt her, despite it being practically another lifetime ago. She’s not putting past livid Jessica supporters to try and do the same to her or any of the other members. The thought of that happening gives her chills  
  
“I have half a mind to lock my Instagram account and report every single person who leaves comments about Jessica on my posts,” Hyoyeon says as she looks at her phone.  
  
Sooyoung, Sunny, and Seohyun all nod. This is why they’ve been avoiding updating their social media accounts for the past few days. No one has gotten over the bomb the management dropped on everyone. This is the reason Yoona prefers not to have any social media accounts publicized to the world. Sure, it is a way to connect with the fans, but it also means being at the mercy of the world. It makes it easier for them to look into life behind the scenes, to read into things too deeply, to take mundane thoughts out of context, and worst of all, it makes idols like herself open targets to bashers and haters. With this issue surrounding them, she can only imagine what sort of death sentences people are wishing on them right now.  
  
“I wouldn’t go so far as reporting them,” Yuri says. “It’s going to be impossible to report thousands of people at once.”  
  
“We have a long day ahead of us,” Tiffany claps her hands to get their attention, getting into Manager-Hwang mode. “There’s choreography to re-learn and spacing to keep in mind. Come on! Let’s go!”  
  
Their choreographer nods from the front of the room. “Let’s try to make this as easy and painless as possible. Some of you still have other stuff to work on.”  
  
That clipped tone is enough for all of them to get into position and start focusing on more pressing matters than a member who’s packed her bags and left.  
  
The SMTown concert is going to happen in three days, and that’s how much time they have to regroup and act as if nothing happened. Everything is changing, and Yoona knows she has to catch up with the times. There are several changes in blocking, now that there’s one less girl to share the stage with. Besides having to cover for Sooyoung’s parts, now they also have to learn Jessica’s parts. The difference is that Sooyoung will be back, but Jessica? No. She’s never coming back and it’s high time everyone gets used to it.  
  
It’s a lot easier said than done, once Yoona thinks about it. They’re working on everything, but it doesn’t help that they’re all messing up so badly. If not bumping into each other, they end up stepping on each other’s feet. Yoona doesn’t even know why she’s keeping track, when it has never bothered her before.  
  
“Ouch!” Yuri shouts from the side. As the music stops, Yoona realizes that she forgot to step forward to make way for Yuri to sing her part. Shit. This isn’t the first time it has happened. Luckily, it was just the beginning of the song, so starting from the top was no big deal.  
  
“Come on,” Tiffany says, clapping her hands, trying to motivate everyone else. “Let’s focus, girls!”  
  
Yoona can practically feel the desperation in her voice. Tiffany is doing her best to keep it together, trying too hard if Yoona wants to look into it. She can practically see the imaginary cracks in that cheery front Tiffany’s trying to put up.  
  
Yoona sighs and gets into position as the music plays again. It’s almost as if they’re learning everything for the first time. Aside from colliding into each other and getting confused between the old and new formations, she thinks they’re doing just fine.  
  
Yoona is getting into another formation when she hears two voices shout “Ouch!” almost at the same time. She swears she hears Taeyeon and Hyoyeon groan from either side of her. They all turn around to see Yuri, Tiffany, and Sunny in some sort of heap. The rest of them just sigh as they help the three up.  
  
“Yuri, can we please STOP screwing up?” Taeyeon asks, with her hands on her hips. “We don’t have TIME for this, and you are just making things difficult.”  
  
“We’re not the only ones making mistakes, oh great leader,” Yuri mutters under her breath. Yoona immediately positions herself in front of Yuri, and Tiffany does the same for Taeyeon. They exchange quick nods, clearly thinking the same thing. They can’t have any more fighting going on. Their situation is already tough and having two members not talking to each other is just going to make things even harder.  
  
Lucky for them, Manager Minjin comes in before anything can happen. “Maybe it’s time for dinner,” the older woman says as she leans against the door frame.  
  
The choreographer nods. “Maybe once you’ve all eaten, we’ll get stuff done.”  
  
All eight of them file out of the room without saying a word to each other. Yoona still has an arm around Yuri, while Tiffany is trying to soothe Taeyeon’s temper.  
  
Despite joining the game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who goes out to buy food without really paying attention, Yoona has no idea what she wants to eat. She’s about to completely let her mind wander, until she realizes she’s lost the game.  
  
Hyoyeon shouts something about wanting bubble tea, while Seohyun goes on to say something about eating healthier options like sweet potatoes. Yoona laughs but she doesn't take them seriously, since she knows she’ll probably get whatever food their manager suggests. Then again, the idea of getting skewered potatoes is more than tempting.  
  
Before she and Manager Minjin walk out of the practice room, Yoona pulls Seohyun aside. “Make sure they don’t kill each other before dinner arrives,” she whispers, nodding at Yuri and Taeyeon’s direction.  
  
“We’ll make sure they’re both alive by the time you bring food,” Seohyun chuckles as she opens the door for Yoona.  
  
She hears music from one of the other rooms nearby. It's not surprising, considering the SMTown concert in Japan was happening soon. What catches her attention though, is the music playing. The lyrics are familiar, yet the title evades her memory at first. She turns to ask her manager what song is playing, only for the older lady to tell her that she'll be getting the car and for her to wait. Yoona nods as she sits on the nearest bench, twiddling her thumbs and blowing at her stray hair strands.  
  
_“Ay Ay It’s a Red Light, Light 이건 실제상황 뭐가 잘못된 건지도 몰라”_  
  
So it's f(x) practicing in the room near theirs. Manager Minjin is taking some time, so she entertains herself by watching the group rehearse their song. When she counts the members in the room, she notices there are only four of them in there.  
  
_Oh right. Sulli's still "on hiatus" from group activities._  
  
As she watches them execute the choreography as four, she wonders how they can pull it off naturally. They don't seem to suffer that confusion of trying to not to bump into each other as they perform the dance. None of them also have that problem of trying to fill an empty space. Shouldn't it be more challenging for them since they're only five, and the absence of one makes an even more glaring hole compared to nine girls? The music stops and Yoona hears laughter. She sees Victoria patting Amber's head, while Luna and Krystal are curled on the floor, laughing at Amber's mortified expression. How are they able to laugh and joke about this? How could they act as if Sulli is going to come back and everything will be right again?  
  
Now that she thinks about it, she wonders how the other members of f(x) felt when Sulli announced her sudden decision to go on hiatus. Was it something they'd known she planned for long, that's why they agreed to just stop promotions for Red Light just like that?  
  
Before she can come up with an answer, Manager Minjin is back with the car and Yoona sees her scowling at anything she comes in contact with. She blinks and creases her forehead as she settles on the passenger's seat, listening to whatever song is on the radio. Almost as if to mock her previous train of thought, it just has to be “Red Light” playing.  
  
This whole f(x)-and-Sulli situation reminds Yoona of their situation with Jessica more than she likes to admit. She knows they made the right decision, and if she has to do it all over again, she'd probably decide the same way. Yoona never heard of a group who just willingly dropped everything for a member who wanted out, even if it is temporary. When Jaejoong, Junsu, and Yoochun filed their lawsuits against the management, Yunho and Changmin had pretty much disappeared from the face of the earth for more than a year. But that was because TVXQ has always been known as a group and back then, very few of them did solo activities. In the case of Super Junior, they carry on with their promotions even when members are in the army. Whenever a SHINee member has an injury or is sick during their comeback season, the others just continue on, or maybe even get other artists to do guest appearances. Even EXO push through with their schedules despite all the news about Kris—no, Yifan—going around. The same can be said for Yoona's own group. Whenever she has dramas to film and they're around the time of a comeback or a concert tour, the group pretty much goes on with or without her. In the case of f(x), the remaining members could have agreed to promote as four, as they did when Amber took a vacation several years ago.  
  
Yoona doesn't consider herself as the nosy type, but from what Heechul and the others who are closer to Sulli have told her, stress is what made Sulli go on hiatus from the group. Stress from what, is what Yoona wonders. Was it stress of being famous or being in a relationship? She doesn't exactly know the details in Sulli and Choiza's relationship, but if it's beginning to come in conflict with her obligations to the group, then one of these has to go.  
  
Manager Minjin drives to the chicken place they like visiting after practice. Yoona throws her hands in the air, cheering as she says, "I want cucumber kimchi" to their manager as she exits the car.  
  
“Are you sure?” Manager Minjin asks, frowning and blinking at Yoona’s direction. When Yoona nods, Minjin shrugs as she closes the door. Yoona usually goes down the car to help carry the food, but the restaurant is crowded tonight and she doesn't want to attract any unnecessary attention.  
  
She ignores the voices of the EXO members singing "Overdose" on the radio as she takes a peek at the manager's back seat, looking for something to entertain her. It looks like her manager has been reading tabloids again. She usually avoids them, as they just irritate her with their rumor-mongering articles, but that headline catches her attention.  
  
“ **Jessica Jung Releases Official Statement on SNSD Issue** ”  
  
_“It's not too late. Put it down and pretend you never saw it,_ " the rational part of her conscience tells her. However her curiosity gets the best of her, and she reaches for it.  
  
The official statement is just some of the truth, really, and most of it is just lies, lies, and even more lies. Maybe she is overreacting a little bit, but she can’t help but feel like Jessica is trying to do media play and paint herself as the victim.  
  
_“Becoming a SNSD member was the greatest thing in my life and I have never thought about quitting.”_  
  
Yoona snorts as she reads that line. Never thought about quitting? “Liar,” she mutters as she straightens the paper with more force than necessary.  
  
Jessica had plans to go on hiatus, but management convinced her to do it after one last album. After all, Jessica has many dreams, that sometimes, Yoona wonders if Jessica has ever felt like being in SNSD got in the way of these plans. As Yoona sees it, they did Jessica a favor by relieving her of her duties as their vocalist. Using “kicked out” is a bit too harsh for Yoona’s taste, besides, the word makes them look like the villains Jessica paints them to be.  
  
"Of these days, you'll thank us for this," Yoona mutters, glaring daggers at the photo as if that will make the real Jessica hear her all the way from China.  
  
Based on what the members are saying, most of the fans believe Jessica more than the rest of them. Is that how little faith they have in the management? In them? It looks like Jessica knows this and is playing by people’s sentiments and general low opinion of SM Entertainment. If only they know what's really happening. She shakes her head as she throws the tabloid back to where she found it. The manager opens the door to see Yoona scowling at the pile of newspapers at the back seat.  
  
"I guess you've read it?" she asks. They both know what she's talking about.  
  
Yoona nods. "I guess this is what I get for looking through other people's things," she says, sighing as she digs through the paper bags for her cucumber kimchi. From the corner of her eye, she sees their manager giving her that same weird look from earlier.  
  
“What?” she asks once she spots the container of cucumber kimchi.  
  
As Yoona opens the container, the first thing that catches her attention is the smell of cucumber kimchi. Yoona scowls as she suddenly realizes why Manager Minjin has been giving her weird looks. As she shovels the first spoonful in her mouth and chews with much more vigor than necessary, Jessica’s horrified squeal and disgusted cringe are the first things her mind registers. Yoona feels an evil grin forming on her face as she eats more of the cucumber kimchi, imagining that they’re back on the set of Hello Baby and she’s sticking a cucumber up Jessica’s nose.  
  
“Take that,” she thinks to herself with every mouthful of cucumber kimchi. “See how you can withstand my mighty cucumber breath...”  
  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yoona had just arrived from her Chinese lessons, thinking she was already late to practice. When she opened the door to their designated practice room, she expected to be greeted by members lying on the ground, not them trying on several sunglasses and scarves.  
  
“Yoona! This one’s for you!” Jessica said, handing Yoona a sunglass case. “These are some of the products from my brand’s debut collection and I figured that it fits that you guys get first dibs.”  
  
Yoona smiled as she accepted the case and saw the fruit of Jessica’s labor. It still amazed her how Jessica was able to juggle their activities and doing things for the brand. Then again, Jessica had missed several rehearsals just to be able to do her “CEO stuff.” This brand had been Jessica’s passion project for quite a while now, and it was nice to see that things were about to take off.  
  
When Yoona looked at the items, they didn’t look extraordinary. But if there was one thing she was sure of, the sunglasses and the scarves looked like things Jessica would actually wear. Was that what being a designer was all about? Especially since besides being the CEO of her new company, Jessica was also its chief designer. If Yoona understood it correctly, the brand’s design aesthetic was completely in her hands. Jessica was still applying for design schools, and she already had a brand. Yoona wasn’t sure if this was a sign that Jessica was more talented than they thought, or she was just asking for trouble in the future. For her friend’s sake, Yoona hoped with all her heart it was the former.  
  
“Jess! I want this one!” Tiffany said, holding up a pair of sunglasses with pink frames. Of course Tiffany would want the pink one.  
  
“Oooh! This one’s nice too!” Yuri said, holding up a pair of square-shaped glasses. “I think I’ll take this.”  
  
Jessica laughed as she nodded. “Go right ahead and choose which ones you want. But please, leave some for actual buying customers and other friends who I’ll be sending some to.”  
  
As Yoona wore her new sunglasses and made several fake-model faces in front of the mirror, she heard a sigh from somewhere at the left. She stopped and saw Taeyeon looking unhappy from the corner of her eye. Before Yoona could comment on it, Taeyeon bit her lips before she sat down and leaned on the mirror, running a hand through her hair. Taeyeon’s eyes shifted from Jessica and the sunglasses to anything else in the room  
  
Yoona couldn’t help but frown at Taeyeon’s direction. It wasn’t a secret that Taeyeon had given up so much, such as delaying her solo album, just for the group, that SNSD practically became everything to her. But how come Taeyeon couldn’t even pretend to be happy about something that one of them feels so strongly about?  
  
“When’s the launch of the brand?” Hyoyeon asked, effectively catching everyone’s attention.  
  
“The website is up on the 17th,” Jessica said, as she started putting the other sunglasses in their cases. “I still can’t believe it’s finally happening.”  
  
“Wow, you move fast. We seriously thought the brand was going to be launched after you finished design school. But still, we’re really happy for you, Jess,” Tiffany said, wrapping her in a one-armed hug. “Right, guys?”  
  
Yoona nodded, and saw that the others did the same… Well, most of them.  
  
“At least you had some decency to do it after we got back from America,” Taeyeon muttered under her breath as she stood up from her spot at the corner .  
  
Whenever Taeyeon and Jessica would talk outside of recording or practice, the other members had learned to be on their toes. After all, leaving those two in a room for non-professional reasons was simply asking for disaster. No, it wasn’t the type that would cause the world to end, but whatever ice wall they’ve had simply refused to break. No one understood the reason for this, and after Sunny had attempted to ask and then regretted it, no one was brave enough to try it again.  
  
“I’m going to go ask where the choreographer is. That stuff better be cleared by the time I’m back.”  
  
While everyone knew Taeyeon and Jessica were never close, she had never seen Taeyeon act this hostile. This turn of events was definitely something new for Yoona, and judging by the confused looks from the others, for them too.  
  
  
  
Thankfully, the flight to the US happened without much incident or drama. Everyone was joking, smiling, and just laughing. They were in America, meaning they needed to speak in English. This was definitely both Jessica and Tiffany’s time to shine, as Yoona always said. Thankfully, Eric Nam was the red carpet host, so there wasn’t going to be any awkward pauses in between, save for when Jessica and Tiffany played translator for the rest of them.  
  
When Eric asked Taeyeon what they’ve been up to, Yoona wondered how their leader would answer. Specially, she wondered whether Taeyeon would promote Jessica’s newest venture or not. After all, most fans would be expecting them to promote it, as they’ve always promoted each other’s individual or sub-unit activities. When she saw Taeyeon point to Tiffany, Yoona thought only two things: Taeyeon didn’t want to comment on Jessica or she just didn’t want to speak English.  
  
“We just wrapped up our Arena Tour with Girls' Generation, all nine of us,” Tiffany said when she took the mic. “And each of our members are slowly going into their solo activities or designing, and the unit album is coming up real soon.” She looked and pointed at Jessica with her thumb when she mentioned the word “designing.”  
  
Yoona had to smile at Tiffany’s enthusiasm and supportiveness for Jessica’s ventures. And it looked as though the fans were also happy for Jessica. Maybe, things could work after all.  
  
  
  
Yoona and Jessica lost the rock-paper-scissors game to buy food, so they were in Manager Minjin’s car, waiting for the manager to come back with the kimchi stew Tiffany talked about some time ago. Yoona had fallen asleep, while she remembered Jessica was talking to so many people over the phone.  
  
“Hey, Yoona?” Jessica asked, shaking her awake. “Are you really OK with me doing this? Blanc, I mean?”  
  
Yoona blinked the sleep away from her eyes as she turned to Jessica and nodded. “It’s something you’ve always wanted to do, and now it’s here… Who am I to try and stop you from doing what you love?”  
  
“At least someone is honestly happy for me,” she said as she stared out the window. “I mean, we’re all OK with this right? After the last album, we all go on to do our own things for a while?”  
  
They had agreed on this when they first heard their contracts were about to expire. All of them had their own stuff to do. Taeyeon had a solo album in the making, and Jessica planned to focus on her fashion business. Yoona, Sooyoung, and Yuri had received several movie, drama, and variety show offers respectively, and Seohyun had musicals. Sunny had her radio show and  _Roommate_ , while Tiffany and Hyoyeon also had their own plans to make.  
  
“I kind of envy you and Seunggi,” Jessica said, looking at the necklace Yoona was wearing. It was a Christmas gift from Seunggi last year and she wore it whenever she could.  
  
Yoona laughed. It wasn’t like Jessica was lonely. “What happened to that Hong Kong guy you’ve been seeing? How do you pronounce his name again… Ti—, no… Tyler, was it?”  
  
“Oh, everything’s going great... well, almost,” Jessica whispered that last part that Yoona almost missed it.  
  
Yoona frowned. She could think of a few reasons Jessica would be jealous of her relationship with Seunggi but she didn’t want to make any assumptions. “What’s the problem then?”  
  
“Unfortunately, no one seems to like Tyler,” Jessica sighed. “Not you guys, not my sister, and most of all, my parents have yet to warm up to him. Even if we’ve had him over for dinner so many times.”  
  
“I don’t know about Krystal or your parents, but in our case, it’s not like we don’t like him,” Yoona said, folding her arms. “We just don’t trust him hanging around you all the time. Especially when you’re flying off to America, Hong Kong, or China all by yourself.”  
  
“Why not? I mean, he’s friends with Joonhyung,” Jessica said, reminding Yoona how they first met.  
  
“I still don’t trust him, unni,” Yoona said. Although Hyoyeon’s ex-boyfriend was a decent guy, Yoona still felt there was something off about him, and his being friends with this Tyler Kwon guy didn’t really sit well with her. “And… hold up. He’s had dinner with your parents several times?!”  
  
Besides introducing Seunggi to her father once during New Year, when the news of them dating first came out, there wasn’t any further interaction. After all, they’re still getting to know each other. In Jessica’s case, it looked like things were getting serious.  
  
“Krystal always makes excuses not to see him, preferring to have dinner at Amber’s or Victoria’s place,” Jessica groaned. “I don’t want my sister and possible future husband to not get along.”  
  
The last part of that sentence had Yoona sitting up straight, all thoughts of sleep and fatigue banished. “Excuse me? Future husband?”  
  
Jessica smiled. It was the kind of smile she had whenever she expected something, but was disappointed it happened at the same time.  
  
“I want to get married, Yoona. And I think Tyler’s the one,” Jessica said. Yoona had never seen her look so sure of anything. “I’ve been talking to the company and some of the others about this for some time. And my parents also know.”  
  
It was too fast for Yoona’s liking. Jessica had only met Tyler more or less a year ago, and now she’s entertaining thoughts of marriage? Well, of course, they’re at that age where some of them wanted to get married. All nine of them had joked about it among themselves several times, but now that they were talking about it seriously, Yoona was unsure how to react.  
  
“What did the company say?”  
  
“Nothing, yet. They still don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
_“As expected,”_  Yoona thought to herself.  
  
“I can’t do this anymore, Yoona. It’s sad, but I will get my life back.”  
  
“What do you mean?” This isn’t the first time Jessica had said this. She already said this in Japan some time last month. Back then, Yoona thought it was just being exhausted from the concert and of course, working on her brand. This time, it sounded more serious, almost as if Jessica was done with the group, with them.  
  
“Next year, I plan to study abroad. I’m looking into schools,” Jessica smiled, almost lost in her thoughts. “But then, since the schools need me to either take the SATs or pass a design portfolio, I had to launch the brand ahead of schedule. I needed to have something to show by the time I go to New York.”  
  
Yoona frowned as she digested the information. It sounded like Jessica was going at it without a concrete plan and that scared her. “What’s the hurry though?” she asked. “We still have one album to do before you go on hiatus, right?”  
  
Jessica nodded. “Of course, but I can’t just stop now. The opportunity is already here and I have to go full steam ahead while I still can. It sounds pathetic, I know, but I have to get my life back. I gave up so many years for us, for the fans. I just want to get my life outside of that back.”  
  
_“But we practically signed our lives to the company for at least three more years,”_  was what Yoona wanted to say.  
  
“We have at most three years left,” Jessica continued, holding Yoona’s hand. “It’s time we started preparing for life after this. Maybe you should start upping your acting resume, so that people will finally see you as the serious, talented actress you  _can_  become.”  
  
Yoona wasn’t sure that she liked where this was heading. Ever since Jessica put up her business, they’ve been scheduling their activities wherein she was free. It wasn’t the same as whenever Yoona had drama filming and the rest would go on without her. They were trying to keep Jessica for as long as they could before she headed to fulfill her dreams outside of the group. Yoona herself wasn’t sure where she wanted to go just yet. Maybe Jessica was right. This was the best time to hone her acting craft and maybe make a future out of it. Then again, she’d rather think about that when she got there. Now, she believed in focusing on what’s in front of her, right here, right now.  
  
“Do you really think I have what it takes to become an actress people will take seriously?” Yoona asked, not liking the feeling currently developing in her gut. “Or are you just trying to get me to do solo stuff so you’ll feel less guilty about not being with the group?”  
  
In a heartbeat, Jessica answered, “Both.”  
  
Despite what she felt, Yoona couldn’t help but laugh along with Jessica.  
  
  
  
“Where is she?”  
  
Yoona, Sooyoung, and Yuri stopped their fooling around to look at Taeyeon. It seemed like they were the only ones who heard her, as Seohyun, Hyoyeon, and Sunny were still lying down on the couches, trying to catch their breaths. Tiffany was talking to their manager about TaeTiSeo’s concept meeting with the producers.  
  
“Where’s Jessica?” Taeyeon asked, raising her voice. “She promised she was going to be here. But we’re already done for today and she’s still not here.”  
  
The other seven stopped whatever they were doing and exchanged looks, varying from confusion to outright cluelessness. This wasn’t the first time Jessica was late for recording. One would think Taeyeon was used to this by now, but lately she had been acting like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.  
  
Right on cue, Jessica burst into the recording room. “Sorry I’m late!” she said, once she closed the door. “I’m ready to go!”  
  
Taeyeon’s face was unreadable, but it didn’t take a genius to see she was displeased. “We just finished,” she said, sitting down on the floor, keeping her eyes away from Jessica.  
  
Jessica sighed. “Look. I already said I was sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”  
  
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow at Jessica. “Well, we’re done for today,” she said, still not looking at Jessica. “ _Won’t_ happen again? How many times have you said that, and it happens every time. You promise you’ll come, but something suddenly comes up with your business, and then you end up forgetting about us. Explain.”  
  
“A lot came up during the meeting, OK?” Jessica said, throwing her hands in the air. “It’s hard work, being a CEO. I think I’ve developed some sort of respect for Sooman-seonsaengnim and Youngmin-sajangnim now that I’m running my own company.”  
  
“Fine,” Taeyeon sighed, rubbing her temples. “We’ll run it through with you again, but only if it’s alright with the others.”  
  
“There’s that line Jessica and I will be singing together, so we need to fix that,” Sunny said, grinning.  
  
“Same here,” Tiffany agreed. “We’ll be harmonizing, so we need to do that part too.”  
  
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow, considering that minutes ago, Sunny was on the floor, wanting to go home and sleep. But now, she was up and running, acting as if she was never tired.  
  
They all knew that Jessica was going to be busier than ever now that her company was finally up and running. However, even before Jessica got anything started, she had promised that SNSD was always going to come first. To her credit, she was trying her best to make things work. Doing solo activities and fulfilling their responsibilities to the group wasn’t easy. It never was. That was why Yoona felt she understood where Jessica was coming from more than anyone else.  
  
They were recording what was going to be the last album as a group before they focused on their individual activities. Though this wasn’t necessarily goodbye, it still felt a little sad. Some of them, like Yuri and herself, had already dropped to the floor. They watched Sooyoung’s drama on TV and made fun of her rather than listen to the ones recording.  
  
“No, Jessica! You’re too sharp in that line!” the arranger shouted from the other side of the recording booth. “Sing that line again.”  
  
Jessica nodded as she tried singing the line as instructed. The arranger shook his head. “Again.”  
  
Jessica took a deep breath as she was about to sing the line, when a phone rang.  
  
“Sorry! That’s mine!” Jessica said as she removed the headphones and dashed straight for her bag where her phone was.  
  
“Hello?” she said, ignoring everyone else’s bemused faces.  
  
From the corner of her eye, Yoona caught Taeyeon exchange blank faces with Sunny before sighing. There was nothing any of them could do, as they were all just waiting for Jessica to finish recording her parts for the album. They all watched Jessica pace around, throwing her hands in the air. When Jessica was done, she ran back into the recording room, grabbed her bag, and would have run out the door if Tiffany didn’t grab onto her arm.  
  
“What happened?” Tiffany asked, frowning.  
  
“Sorry. Emergency! I have to go now!”  
  
All of them started standing up, asking all sorts of questions. Yoona remembered asking “Did something happen to Krystal? Or your parents?” When Jessica shook her head, that stopped them in their tracks.  
  
“What kind of emergency is it then?”  
  
Jessica sighed as she looked out the door. “Something happened with the shipment of the scarves to Beijing. I have to check out what happened at Customs.”  
  
She was about to walk out the door when Tiffany asked. “But what about recording? It’s just a few more lines for this song. We’ll be continuing the rest tomorrow.”  
  
Jessica shook her head even harder, eyes moving back and forth between the door knob and the rest of them. “I’m sorry, I can’t stay to finish this. I really need to check this one out now. What if something happens and I can’t do business in China? I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. I really have to go now!”  
  
“It’s past midnight, unni. Government offices are closed by now,” Seohyun pointed out. “It’s more logical to call them first thing tomorrow morning than to rush to wherever at this time.”  
  
Personally, Yoona agreed with Seohyun on that one. They still had to finish recording this song. The sooner it was done, the less work for them later on. It was just a few more lines to finish, and maybe they could all finally go home and sleep. If they were lucky, they could finally finish recording the album by the end of the week.  
  
Jessica sighed as she sat back down, typing something on her phone before she stowed it back in her bag. “OK. Fine. Where were we before that? Let’s finish this.”  
  
Despite her determination to finish recording, Jessica’s mind obviously wasn’t in the room with the rest of them anymore. She kept singing the wrong lines or going off-key, much to the arrangers’ frustration. Yoona had long given up on keeping track after the fifth time they had to stop.  
  
Yoona found herself being shaken awake by Hyoyeon. “Come on. We’re going home. The van’s outside.”  
  
She nodded her thanks as she stretched her limbs. As she followed Hyoyeon out the room, she bumped into the former who was leaning against the door of the recording booth, with a finger on her lips.  
  
“We’ll let this pass, since we finished recording the song,” Taeyeon hissed. “Consider this conversation a warning.”  
  
“Look. I’m sorry I panicked,” Jessica said with a sigh. “I just… I just don’t want Blanc to go down in flames before the brand can earn its place in the fashion world.”  
  
“You better get your priorities straight, Jessica.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
Whether Yoona likes it or not, the Tokyo leg of SMTown Live World Tour Ⅳ is a moment of truth for the group. This is their first major performance ever since Jessica’s departure, without the excuse of carrying any emotional baggage. She doesn’t focus on Hyoyeon and Yuri’s chattering backstage as her gaze wanders over to the members of Red Velvet who are performing “Happiness” on stage. Sometimes, she sees a bit of SNSD in them. They had scandals that almost ruined their debut for them, though it wasn’t their fault. She takes in the bliss on Irene’s face, the giddy smile Wendy can barely contain, the nerves Joy has managed to keep at bay, and the awe in Seulgi’s eyes, while the moment lasts. They’re all so young and idealistic, as she can see in that starstruck look in their eyes. Yoona misses that innocence and happiness she once experienced. If only she can go back to a time wherein they all still have each other—all nine of them holding hands and standing on that stage, doing what they love.  
As they rush back to the dressing room after performing “Gee” and “I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You,” it occurs to Yoona that so far, the ordeal of performing without Jessica isn’t as difficult as she thought it would be. Save for a few minor mistakes from Tiffany during “Gee,” none of them screwed up so badly. It’s difficult covering for a missing member, like Sooyoung who’s still filming her drama. At least that’s only a temporary arrangement. As for Jessica, they have to act like they’ve always been an eight-member group, and it’s beginning to get easier as time passes.  
  
If anything, Yoona likes to think that practicing has paid off. Despite everything they’ve gone through at practice—sleepless nights, aching bodies, countless fights, shrill screams, and tears of frustration during rehearsals—everything has been going well for them ever since they arrived in Japan. The least they can do for the fans who are still sticking by them is to actually perform their best. The presence of the pink lightsticks and fans supporting them is reassuring, yet those “8+1=Complete” banners still throw her off. At least this time, no one in the audience is shouting Jessica’s name during their performances.  
  
Losing members is a fate Yoona has never and will never wish on any group. This is what she admits to herself as she changes into her costume for “Mr. Mr.” and follows Hyoyeon and Yuri to watch the others perform.  
  
Her thoughts then go over to SHINee and EXO, who just tried getting her to join one of their games. She shakes her head, pointing them to the members of Red Velvet and f(x) instead. SHINee has been on the brink of breaking up so many times due to so many fights, yet they’re still here. Yoona isn’t sure what’s happening, but she wants to believe that they will survive despite all odds. Her eyes move over to the boys of EXO. They debuted later than everyone else, yet the scandals that hit them are those that happen to only groups in the business for much longer than they have. They’re still standing, and Yoona can only hope and pray that they stick together despite what else life can throw at them.  
  
As she watches Yunho and Changmin, it occurs to her how they have managed to keep themselves sane during the time of the lawsuit. There’s also Super Junior, who cares for nothing but the happiness of their fans. They still smile even when they want to cry. She has always respected the way groups like TVXQ and Super Junior still manage to hold it together and perform to the best of their abilities, when memories of members they once shared the stage with come back to haunt them every time they perform their older songs.  
  
Yoona looks over to see Super Junior getting off the stage. As they all exchange pleasantries, congratulating each other for a job well done, she notices how one of the normally talkative members is avoiding her or any of her co-members. Donghae is just there, holding on to Eunhyuk while glaring at her.  
  
“Donghae oppa, is there something on my face?” she asks, touching her face, looking for whatever it is he’s glaring at.  
  
“No,” Donghae said, looking anywhere but her direction.  
  
“What’s up then?” Hyoyeon asks, reaching over to help Eunhyuk remove some dust in his hair.  
  
“Siwon’s over there, Donghae. Go bother him first,” Eunhyuk says, gently pushing his friend over to Siwon. Looking at Donghae, Yoona notices how he gives Taeyeon, Tiffany, and Seohyun that same look he was giving her and Hyoyeon earlier, while his expression brightens when he sees Seulgi.  
  
“What’s his problem?” Hyoyeon asks, folding her arms across her chest.  
  
Eunhyuk sighs as he looks at Donghae who is now looking at Yuri and Sunny as though they murdered his puppy and had it for lunch right in front of his eyes. “The thing is… he… I mean you know his history with Jessica, right? And you know how part of him will never get over her?”  
  
Yoona and Hyoyeon exchange looks. “Oh right,” they chorus. They should have known. Of course Donghae would always have a soft spot for Jessica no matter what happens. Yoona sighs as she tries not to roll her eyes.  
  
Eunhyuk embraces them both. “I don’t blame you, but I don’t blame her either. Come on. Don’t show that you’re sad or guilty. What’s done is done. Smile! You’ve got people waiting for you.”  
  
Yoona and Hyoyeon laugh as Eunhyuk leaves them to change costumes. Hyoyeon suddenly spots Amber and rushes over to attach herself to the younger girl. Yoona sighs as she looks around for someone to bother when suddenly she feels a tap on her back.  
  
She turns around to see Krystal standing behind her, looking unamused. She looks like she wants to kill people, but then again, Krystal has always had a bitchy resting face. “There’s tape stuck on your back,” she says, while gesturing for Yoona to turn around.  
  
Yoona waits for Krystal to remove whatever it is on her back. “All better now,” Krystal says, sounding much more cheerful.  
  
If there’s anyone in the company who has the right to judge her and the rest of the group for their decision, it’s Krystal. Yoona can’t help but wonder how the younger girl feels whenever she sees them, the people who practically forced Jessica out of the group. How does Krystal still manage to smile at them and treat them like she did before when they practically betrayed her own flesh and blood? Yoona feels as though she’s being examined under a microscope, despite Krystal meaning well. She doesn’t like this sensation bubbling inside her stomach. It’s a feeling she has been familiar with ever since she made her decision, and there is no way she wants to put a name to it. She knows that once she identifies it, it’s just going to manifest itself into something real and that’s absolutely the last thing she wants.  
  
“You also might want to tie your boots, unni. The strings are a bit loose,” Krystal says as she walks away.  
  
“Thanks,” Yoona replies as she bends over to tie her boots, relieved that she has an excuse not to meet Krystal’s gaze.  
  
Once she’s done tying her boots, Yoona watches Krystal take her place on stage. Despite putting on a smile for the fans, Yoona swears she can see the fatigue in Krystal’s eyes. Besides filming her drama, Krystal also has to deal with working for the company that “turned their backs on her sister,” as the netizens eloquently phrase it. There’s also dealing with Sulli’s hiatus. She can only imagine how difficult it is for the other four members of f(x) to suddenly stop promotions. She remembers how excited f(x) was for “Red Light” since it was a concept they all liked. For all that to go to waste, she can only wonder how it was acceptable for them to stop promoting as a group just because of what Yoona thinks is Sulli’s selfishness. She pretty much screwed over the entire group because of this. This is probably even worse than Jessica and her business taking over group activities. The funny thing is, f(x) is still willing to keep Sulli despite this. How can they be willing to keep the person who practically sabotaged what could have been their most successful comeback? Yoona isn’t sure if this is because they’re willing to give Sulli another chance because they genuinely care about her or because they know that once they turn their backs on a member, the sympathy of the people will shift from them to the one who left.  
  
Maybe making Jessica leave was a bit harsh on their part. They’ve been together longer than f(x) has, and yet, they managed to put it all to waste. They should have just let things be and let Jessica make the first move to actually abandon ship. Jessica wanted it all, her brand and to be part of SNSD. That is also selfish, to some extent, but at least Jessica had some decency to actually act like she still cared about the rest of them. Funny how it’s their so-called “Soshi-bond” and “sisterhood” that sets them apart from the rest. Now, that bond is being questioned because of this incident. As a group, they have gone through hell and back, and Yoona wants to believe that this is another trial they will go through together. Unlike before, they brought this one upon themselves, and she has no idea how they’ll get out.  
  
Yoona forces a smile as the stage managers tell her to get ready. SHINee is performing “Everybody” now, and she knows she only has a short amount of time to shake all negative thoughts from her head. It’s almost the end, just one more song and then she can say that Day 1 of performing without Jessica is finally over. She cheers herself with that thought as she and the others go up onstage.  
  
This is their last song for the night. Everything is going smoothly going into the chorus. Just as they take their places for Sunny to sing Jessica’s part, Yoona finds herself praying that Sunny doesn’t forget that she’s supposed to sing this part as she tends to do during practice. So far so good, Sunny’s standing at the side opposite the rest of them. Right after Sunny’s part, which was once Jessica’s, the music stopped right at Tiffany’s part.  
  
“Wow,” Tiffany says, as she tries to laugh it off.  
  
Before anyone can react, Tiffany and Sunny chorus,  _“Ima shinjite hoshi ii?”_  
  
Yoona has to give Tiffany credit for rallying the rest of them through this mess, and acting like it’s nothing. She finds herself following Tiffany’s lead singing “Oh oh ooh woh.. oh oh ooh woh” with the others as they get back into position. And suddenly,  _YES!_  The music is back on. Yoona mentally thanks the Lord and whatever holy deities she can think of as they resume their performance. That’s embarrassing. They’re the only group to experience technical difficulties all concert long, so far. She can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as they head backstage to change into their final outfits for the closing number “Hope” with the rest of their fellow SM artists.  
  
Thankfully, the rest of the concert goes smoothly, with the other artists praising them for their professionalism despite the setback.  _“It’s all thanks to Tiffany, to be honest,”_  Yoona thinks as she and the others accept the compliments with lots of gratitude. After all, being professional and playing it cool is the only way to go about technical difficulties like that. Yoona hears their managers planning to talk to the technical team about the matter as they all head for their van. Now that they’re all alone without the other groups, this silence among them has never been more deafening.  
  
“You know that technical difficulty earlier?” Hyoyeon says, breaking the silence.  
  
Yoona feels her blood run cold. She’s not sure if she wants to talk about this. She can’t exactly put duct tape over Hyoyeon’s mouth right now, so she settles for putting a hand over her friend’s lips.  
  
“Please, don’t,” Tiffany says, sensing where this is heading.  
  
“This is karma isn’t it? Karma for what we’ve done?”  
  
Everyone turns to Yuri, who is scowling at the window. Now that they’re acknowledging the elephant in the room and there’s literally no way for Yoona to get out of the van, she just hopes they can settle whatever this is like the diplomatic, civilized adults they are.  
  
“We didn’t do anything wrong, so we shouldn’t be punished for anything,” Taeyeon says, as though the matter was closed.  
  
“But remember where it stopped. Right after Jessica’s part,” Yuri continues. “Don’t lie and say you didn’t think about it.”  
  
“Yuri, stop,” Tiffany says, looking more upset each minute.  
  
“We’re being punished for our decisions. Our life choices,” Hyoyeon continues, now that she’s successfully wrestled Yoona’s hands off her. “Look at us, we wanted to protect the group, ourselves, and now what? We’re being punished for our betrayal.”  
  
The chuckle that comes is so dark that Yoona can feel the pessimism coming out of it.  
  
“Unnies, please…” Seohyun says, trying to break the tension. She looks to Yoona and Sunny for help, but they exchange glances and give her equally helpless faces.  
  
“Someone HAD to say it. We were all thinking it. I might as well let it out, but if you don’t want to talk about it… Whatever,” Yuri sighs as she slouches back to her seat. “I know a lost cause when I see one,” she whispers to Yoona. “I’m not going to argue my case anymore.”  
  
“Yeah, netizens will be making the karma comments and we might as well beat them to it,” Yoona picks up from where Yuri left off. It isn’t usually a wise decision to make comments like that, but she has to lighten whatever emotional burden she has.  
  
“Not funny, Yoona,” Taeyeon says, looking at the window. Yoona sees the tension in Taeyeon’s shoulders as she clenches and unclenches her fists. She can also see the imaginary smoke coming out of Taeyeon’s ears.  
  
Yoona decides to take a leaf out of Yuri’s book and hold her peace. Taeyeon is stressed enough as it is, and maybe this isn’t the best time to air her sentiments and unload the mental baggage she’s been carrying. But it looks like Hyoyeon isn’t letting this topic go.  
  
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been the subject of scandals, but this is the first time it’s actually probably our fault,” Hyoyeon says.  
  
“Can we not talk about this?” Taeyeon asks, raising an eyebrow at Hyoyeon.  
  
“I mean, it is too good of a coincidence for the music to stop right after Jessica’s part and I’m not buying the tech panel’s excuse… whatever it is,” Hyoyeon continues. “There’s some kind of conspiracy going on here, don’t you think?”  
  
“This isn’t funny. Just… stop,” Taeyeon says, looking out the window.  
  
“Why’d we really have to do this? Maybe we’d have had the sympathy of the fans if this happened and Jessica was around,” Hyoyeon says. “At least we won’t be at the mercy of people just waiting for us to fall… Life was definitely easier when we were nine. I think I miss her.”  
  
“There’s no use crying over spilled milk,” Taeyeon says.  
  
“Don’t you miss her? She was our friend, you know. A sister. We promised we’d stick together…”  
  
Something in Taeyeon’s eyes changes at Hyoyeon’s last sentence. There’s an expression that replaces the passive anger into something wilder… unadulterated rage. It looks like the time bomb ticking inside her has finally exploded. Yoona and Yuri cling to each other in fear and sees Sunny and Seohyun hold on to each other, as Tiffany reaches for Taeyeon, bracing herself for the worst.  
  
“Get it in your head! She’s gone and she’ll never come back!” Taeyeon shouts, pointing a finger at Hyoyeon’s head.  
  
“And whose fault is it?!” Hyoyeon shouts back.  
  
“I’m not the only one to blame for her leaving. YOU had a part in it too!”  
  
“I was just saying…” Hyoyeon says, rolling her eyes. Yoona sighs. Looks like Hyoyeon’s not backing down at all.  
  
“And if you miss her so much, why don’t you go and leave as well?”  
  
“I admit, I miss her sometimes. Don’t you?”  
  
“If any of you want out too, be my guest,” Taeyeon snarls, glaring at each of them. She points to the van’s door. “The door’s right there. Get out of my sight if you want to leave the group.”  
  
Despite this, apparently, Hyoyeon still has something to say as she tries reaching over to the leader saying, “I was just saying I miss Jessica sometimes. I didn’t say anything about wanting out.”  
  
“But you wanted to leave before when times got rough, right?” Taeyeon says, raising an eyebrow at Hyoyeon. Sunny and Tiffany are holding her back as well.  
  
“Well so did you! You ran away when we were trainees when it was too difficult!” Hyoyeon shouts back, pointing a finger at Taeyeon’s chest.  
  
“I came back and gave up so much for the group,” Taeyeon says, glaring right back. “How about you? Wanting to quit SNSD just because you weren’t as popular? Now you want to leave because you think we’re being punished for Jessica’s selfishness? Go ahead! Leave! Join Jessica in her whatever!”  
  
“Do you want me gone that badly? Because if you want me to go, I can,” Hyoyeon shouts.  
  
Taeyeon opens her mouth to say something, but she seems to have forgotten what she wants to say.  
  
“But, remember this,” Hyoyeon says, her voice much softer and calmer than it was seconds ago. “No one here said they wanted to leave.  _No one._ ”  
  
Hyoyeon sits back down beside Yuri and Yoona, who are calming her down. Yoona can still feel Hyoyeon shaking as she uses Yuri’s lap as a pillow and turns Yoona into a footrest. Her breathing is much steadier now, and they all look at Taeyeon, waiting for her next move.  
  
“I… You…” Taeyeon says, her eyes, drifting from one member to the next.  
  
“We’re not going anywhere,” Hyoyeon repeats as Taeyeon’s eyes land on her.  
  
All of them nod as they make eye contact with their leader. “And I’m sure Sooyoung will say she’s not going anywhere either,” Tiffany says, patting Taeyeon’s arm.  
  
Yoona sees something break inside Taeyeon as she starts to sob in Tiffany’s arms. “Hyoyeon,” the leader says between muffled sobs. “I... I’m…”  
  
Hyoyeon smiles as she shakes her head. Taeyeon hardly shows any emotions, as she always puts up a strong front for the rest of them. Seeing her cry so openly like this makes Yoona’s own eyes tear up as they engage in some sort of messy group hug.  
  
“It’s hard, but… we have to try,” Taeyeon says. “How do we move forward if we keep insisting on looking back?”  
  
Yoona wonders if they can really move forward without looking back, or are they just trying to convince themselves? Whatever it is, she hopes it works and makes that nagging feeling that haunts her go away once and for all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They had been waiting for hours and there was still no sign of Jessica. Andye J, the choreographer for their comeback single, had already walked out saying, “Call me when she’s here. I can’t teach the choreography for your new single without her.” They all just stood in the middle of the room, wondering what to do in the meantime. Yoona wished she thought to bring her books so she could catch up for her final exams, as what Seohyun was doing. Some of them had opted to run-through the songs they were doing for the Shenzhen fanmeet just to kill time.  
  
The last they heard from Jessica was the night before, when she promised she was arriving to practice on time. However, she was already hours late and she hadn’t contacted them since then. Manager Minjin was on the phone, contacting every single possible person who could find the missing member. She had just returned from f(x)’s practice room. According to Krystal, her older sister was long gone by the time she left home. They had also contacted Jessica’s parents who told her that all they knew was that she wasn’t eating dinner at home later that night and didn’t know where she was. It would have been easier to carry on without Jessica and just fill her in later on, but Andye refused to start until they were all there, which meant Jessica better arrive before they could begin.  
  
Manager Minjin’s phone started ringing. Yoona and Seohyun exchanged glances as their manager’s sighed in what Yoona wasn’t sure was frustration or relief.  
  
“Jessica, where are you?” Manager Minjin asked, throwing her free hand in the air.  
  
Yoona couldn’t make out what Jessica was saying, but the frown on Manager Minjin’s face was deepening. If that happened, then whatever the missing member was saying definitely wasn’t something she wanted to hear.  
  
“Listen, you said you were available today, that’s why we told Andye to come to the studio today,” Manager Minjin said. “You can’t expect the rest of the group to just accommodate your schedule at the last minute.  
  
There’s more muffled sounds coming from Jessica. Manager Minjin sighed. “We’ll let it slide  _again_. But if management finds out about this, they’re not going to be pleased.”  
  
Yoona guessed Jessica was apologizing as Manager Minjin groaned. “I don’t want to have to tell them, but they’re going to find out. Next time, when you say you’re free for rehearsals, be sure to actually come to rehearsals… and be both mentally and physically present?”  
  
Manager Minjin nodded as though Jessica could see her. “Fine. Take care of yourself. Bye.”  
  
“Well?” Sooyoung asked, tilting her head to the side, once Manager Minjin put her phone in her pocket..  
  
“You have to start without her,” their manager answered. “She’s not coming today. Long story. I’ll tell you later. Now, I better get Andye and make up for wasted time.”  
  
While Manager Minjin was out to inform Andye of the latest development, Yoona noticed Taeyeon and Tiffany whispering between themselves. It wasn’t supposed to be anything unusual, but the look on Taeyeon’s face was dark enough to dampen anyone’s mood. Jessica’s last-minute absence from rehearsals and recording sessions had become a habit at this point. It was stressful, not to mention inconvenient for the rest of them, but they had somehow learned to live with it. They all sighed when Andye came in, instructing them on where to go and what to do for the next seven hours.  
  
By the time they were done with learning their new choreography, there was nothing all eight of them wanted to do besides go home, shower, and sleep. They had all fallen asleep in the van on the way back to the dorm. When the van made a particularly sharp turn, Yoona found herself waking up to hushed whispers. Opening her eyes to the tiniest slits she could manage, she saw that Taeyeon and their manager were the only people awake. Yoona closed her eyes once again, but this time, kept her ears open.  
  
“... that’s too much, isn’t it?” It was Taeyeon’s voice. She sounded hesitant about whatever it was she just heard.  
  
“It wasn’t my decision to make, but the higher-ups,” Manager Minjin whispered back, keeping her voice as soft as possible.  
  
“But we all agreed to let her do what she wanted, as long as she stuck to her commitments with us,” Taeyeon whispered back. “Or... fine, she’s trying.”  
  
Yoona heard their manager sigh. This was obviously about Jessica, and she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to hear the rest of it. “That’s the thing. They think she’s not trying hard enough. To them, her priorities have shifted, and that’s not what they agreed on.”  
  
“Did you tell them about today’s incident?”  
  
“I didn’t need to. Andye told them.”  
  
Yoona heard Taeyeon groan. “We’re not exactly best friends, but what management is asking us to do is too much,” Taeyeon said to their manager. “I wouldn’t want to be forced to kick out a member, despite how I feel about her personally.”  
  
“The bosses think she’s compromising the entire group’s career with this venture though,” Manager Minjin said. “But the final decision must be a unanimous one from all eight of you.”  
  
Yoona could have sworn she heard Taeyeon whisper, “I hope the others don’t hate me for bringing it up” before sleep caught up with her again. Part of her wondered if their leader managed to get any sleep that night.  
  
The next day, Yoona was running late for rehearsals. Her Chinese instructor decided to extend their class by 30 minutes. Her manager had let the other members know of the sudden change, but she still felt bad about being tardy. She rushed over to the other side of the building, where the practice rooms were located. When she opened the door, she approached Yuri and Seohyun who seemed to be whispering about something serious.  
  
“What’s up?” she asked, once she was close enough to the other two girls.  
  
Yuri shrugged, while Seohyun sighed. “While you were out, Manager Minjin talked to us one-by-one, asking us how we felt about Jessica unni’s new business,” the maknae replied, making sure no one was listening to them.  
  
“Why are you whispering though?” Yuri asked, voicing out Yoona’s sentiments. There wasn’t anything wrong with the manager asking each of them what they thought of the venture, so Yoona didn’t get why Seohyun had to be so secretive.  
  
“I’m not sure how true this is, but apparently, management wants us to talk about whether we still want Jessica unni in the group,” Seohyun said.  
  
Yoona sighed. So last night’s conversation wasn’t a dream, but why does it feel like she’s the last to know things?  
  
“Where are you getting this information?” Yuri asked, keeping her voice down. Oh, so Yoona wasn’t the only one kept in the dark about matters like those. “Why don’t we know anything? You don’t know anything too, right, Yoong?”  
  
Yoona shook her head as she nudged for Seohyun to continue talking.  
  
“I have TaeTiSeo stuff with Taeyeon unni and Fany unni, remember? I only hear this stuff when they think I’m not listening, so I’m not too sure about anything I’m about to say to you both,” Seohyun said.  
  
“Who else knows?” Yoona asked, frowning.  
  
“I sure didn’t know anything until you told us what’s happening,” Yuri said, looking at Seohyun.  
  
“I don’t know… I’m guessing Tiffany unni and Sunny unni know things, given how it’s the three of them talking most of the time in the dorm,” Seohyun said, frowning. “I can’t tell if Hyoyeon unni and Sooyoung unni have a clue… But they’ve been talking a lot, and I don’t know how much they know.”  
  
Yoona usually hated being left out of the loop, but this time, maybe she was kind of glad for it. After all, this might change how she saw certain people, and it could affect her friendship with Jessica.  
  
“Apparently, the management isn’t happy with how ‘Jessica’s been neglecting group activities’ in favor of her new business,” the maknae continued, looking around, making sure no one heard her. Yoona could feel that Seohyun was quoting some source, rather than using her own words.  
  
“Oh,” Yuri said. “Of course they wouldn’t be happy about her doing stuff outside SNSD, but didn’t they say it was OK?”  
  
Before any of them could say anything else, their phones all rang at the same time. If Yoona’s hunch was correct, they all received the same message from Taeyeon.  
  
_“Emergency group meeting tonight at the dorm. None of us have any schedules after dinner. Do NOT miss it.”_  
  
Yoona, Yuri, and Seohyun exchanged looks. They were all probably thinking the same thing. Their group meeting was most likely going to be about what they were just talking about minutes ago.  
  
  
  
  
The minute Yoona, Yuri, and Seohyun stepped into the dorm, they were greeted by the rest of the group’s grim faces. This was the first time in probably months that they were together as nine under one roof. However, the atmosphere wasn’t as jolly as Yoona would have wanted their reunion to be.  
  
Taeyeon, Sunny, and Tiffany were seated on the sofa together, while Sooyoung and Hyoyeon preferred to sit on the floor. Jessica was on the armchair. Seohyun occupied the remaining space on the sofa, while Yoona and Yuri opted to join the two on the floor. Manager Minjin was also there, seated on the other armchair.  
  
“I’m sure we can all guess what this meeting’s about,” Manager Minjin said, once everyone got settled.  
  
Jessica shook her head. “No,” she said. “I’m afraid I don’t. No one’s told me.”  
  
“Me neither,” Yuri said, with Yoona and Sooyoung nodding with her.  
  
Manager Minjin sighed. “I’ll get straight to the point. Jessica, management hasn’t been happy with how you’ve been neglecting your duties as a member of SNSD lately. They’re beginning to doubt your commitment to the group. They don’t know if your heart is still in SNSD, or if you’re just using us as a safety net in case this business venture fails.”  
  
Tiffany cleared her throat, thus catching everyone’s attention. “We’re just worried about you, but at the same time, we’re kind of selfish and want more of your attention,” she said, before anyone else could talk. Tiffany’s light-hearted tone was a stark contrast to the seriousness of the situation. It was her way of lightening the mood, but it didn’t seem like it was working.  
  
Jessica shook her head as hard as she could. “Sure, I want to go on hiatus from group activities, but that doesn’t mean I intend to give up on being a member of SNSD permanently,” she said, looking at each of them. “I’ve given up too much and I’ve worked too long and too hard to get to where I am in this industry and I’m not ready to give it up completely.”  
  
Before Manager Minjin could speak again, Yoona saw how Taeyeon’s formerly impassive face suddenly changed into a scowl. That did not look good for Jessica, if Yoona’s opinion mattered.  
  
“But your actions are showing us otherwise,” Taeyeon said, glaring at Jessica.  
  
“Blanc needs my attention,” Jessica said. “If I don’t attend to it, who will?”  
  
“Your parts in the songs also need attention,” Taeyeon snapped back, looking as if she was close to the end of her rope. “Your steps in our choreography need your attention too. We can’t learn your steps and sing your lines for you in the album, Jessica!”  
  
Jessica looked like she wanted to interrupt, but Taeyeon wasn’t done yet. “You promised you were going to do one more album before going on hiatus. Because you renewed your contract, we all thought you were going to start your business  _after_  the next album, not this one. What’s the rush?”  
  
Jessica sighed, looking at Taeyeon as though she didn’t understand. “I need something to show for when I start applying for design schools in New York in a few weeks. I needed to launch my business, as I don’t have an extensive design portfolio yet.”  
  
“Jess, don’t you think you’re rushing into this too fast, if that’s the case?” Tiffany said, directing the attention to her again. “We’re just worried about you, OK?”  
  
“I can’t say the same, as you're a grown woman who makes her own decisions,” Taeyeon snorted. “But I will step in once the rest of the group I am actually concerned about is affected by those sunglasses.”  
  
Manager Minjin scowled at both Taeyeon and Jessica before she continued talking.  
  
“Now Jessica, you said you still want to be part of the group, but management needs you to focus on the group,” Manager Minjin said. “So this means, whatever you’re doing with your business needs to take a back seat for a while. After all, you are doing this outside of SNSD and it’s beginning to interfere with your group’s activities.”  
  
Jessica frowned as she stood up. “But I always do what I can to compromise!” she said. “If this is about my New York trip in two weeks, I promise I’ll be back in time for the fanmeet in China.”  
  
“But what about practice?” Tiffany asked.  
  
Jessica bit her tongue. “Well, we’re not doing anything new right? I still know my parts.”  
  
Taeyeon’s lips were set to a thin line. “I warned you about getting your priorities straight, and this doesn’t look like it,” she snarled, staring straight at Jessica. “Are we just some side business to you? The rest of us are here, rehearsing day in and day out just so we don’t make any mistakes, while you’re out there, selling sunglasses? This isn’t a game, Jessica. This is what we’re paid to do, Jessica. Remember that.”  
  
“You think I don’t know that?” Jessica asked, glaring right back at Taeyeon. “I’ve been in this industry for more than 10 years, so of course I know what needs to be done.”  
  
“You’ve got a funny way of showing it,” Taeyeon shouted, pointing at Jessica. “You think you can go out there, work on that stupid business of yours full-time and still be able to perform on stage without practicing? Wow, you must be some kind of superwoman to do that.”  
  
“Well, I’m  _SORRY_  for actually having a life outside SNSD. There’s more to life than this!”  
  
The entire room gasped at that. Yoona could sense that something in the room had changed. The other members looked as though they had been slapped in the face. Yoona had to admit, there was some truth to that, given their individual activities. But it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less, especially for those who didn’t have that many solo ventures.  
  
“I… I shouldn’t have said that,” Jessica said. She hung her head as she sat back down.  
  
“At least we know how you really feel about us,” Taeyeon sneered. Jessica was about to say something but Taeyeon put a hand up. “Don’t lie,” she said. “You’ve wanted out for a long time, and now your chance has come.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Jessica asked, staring at the rest of them. “I just said I want to go on hiatus. I never wanted to leave.”  
  
“You said you wanted to get your life back,” Sunny whispered. “You’ve said it so many times. What did you mean, then, if you don’t want to go?”  
  
Jessica was at a loss for words. “I…” she said, looking at each of them, silently begging someone to help her. Yoona wanted to, but she had no idea what to say. She understood the feeling of having to juggle solo activities with group promotions, but none of them were ever this harsh to her.  
  
“We’ll say it straight: We need you to be with us 100%. We can’t afford any sidetracks,” Sunny said.  
  
“It’s because you seem to be neglecting what you promised will be your priority, and none of us are happy with it. Now the bosses need you to focus on SNSD, full time,” Manager Minjin added.  
  
“Why can’t you just be happy and supportive over my business?” Jessica asked, staring at the rest of them. “You all can do your side stuff and I can’t? Why am I different? It’s not fair!”  
  
“It’s because you’re not dedicating enough time for the group!” Taeyeon snapped. She was red in the face, as she screamed louder and more shrilly that she had ever done before. “We’re tired of having to cover up for you every time. I’m sick of having to compromise with your crap! It’s either you give up your spot in the group or give up that business!”  
  
Everyone stared at Taeyeon. None of them have ever seen her that angry in their more than a decade of knowing each other. Then again, everyone knew how much Taeyeon had given up for them, and Yoona guessed that Jessica prioritizing something personal over the group was more than what Taeyeon’s patience was willing to tolerate. It didn’t help that they weren’t on friendly terms with each other, making the leader even less supportive about Jessica’s endeavors.  
  
“So I have to choose between you and Blanc, is that it?” Jessica asked. “Why can’t I have both?”  
  
“Simple, Jessica,” Taeyeon answered. “You can’t eat your cake and have it too.”  
  
  
  
Jessica had informed them that she had to see a lawyer for some business matters earlier that morning. Which is why Yoona was confused when Taeyeon had called for another meeting inside the dorms that night.  
  
“As Manager Minjin said last night, the higher-ups aren’t exactly happy with how Jessica’s been missing from rehearsals,” Taeyeon said once everyone got settled. Yoona could see Taeyeon was struggling to keep her personal feelings in check as she spoke. Of course, Taeyeon was still upset with how last night’s discussion ended, and Yoona didn’t blame her in the slightest. At the same time, she felt for Jessica, who had left for some business matters without patching things up with the rest of them.  
  
“I don’t know if you’ve heard about this,” Taeyeon continued. “But because of how Jessica’s been acting, not just last night, but ever since she was given permission to do her business, they’ve been talking to me about kicking her out of the group.”  
  
It seemed that what Seohyun heard was true after all. Yoona glanced at Yuri and Seohyun, whose wide eyes and open jaws probably matched her own. She looked at the reactions of the other members. Tiffany and Sunny looked as if they’d heard this before, while Hyoyeon didn’t seem pleased, while Sooyoung shouted “Do they think that this is some kind of joke?”  
  
Taeyeon sighed and shook her head. “No, apparently they’re serious. They’ve been talking to me about it for a while. I’ve been delaying telling the rest of you about it for as long as I can, since I knew you’d react like this.” She sighed again as she slouched against the armchair. “But they’re pressing me for an answer. They want a unanimous vote from us. We don’t need to answer now… but… they’ll need one... eventually.”  
  
Yoona had never heard Taeyeon sound so defeated her entire life. That definitely wasn’t the kind of news anyone would want to deliver. “So, what do we do about it?” she asked.  
  
Never in her wildest nightmares did she think that they would encounter this situation. The idea of kicking out a friend wasn’t appealing to her at all, and she refused to be part of something that was going to make or break a friend’s standing with the rest of the group.  
  
“I guess we’ll have to weigh our options… Right, Taeyeon?” Tiffany whispered as the leader nodded. “Weigh the pros and cons of Jessica and her business, and how the rest of us are affected by it.”  
  
Yoona swore the tension was so thick that it would have taken a chainsaw to cut through it. She didn’t like the idea of having Jessica’s fate in her hands. She looked around the faces of her group mates, wondering what the others were thinking. She had no idea how much time passed, as they all just sat in their living room, staring at each other. She wondered if any one in the group was like her, trying to see inside the souls of the others.  
  
Taeyeon’s cough broke the silence. “She’s proven that her priorities are no longer in line with the rest of the group’s, with her constant absences and disregard for group activities… and also what she said last night... I don’t know about you, but I can’t work with people like that.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Sunny asked.  
  
“Yes,” Taeyeon said. “You know I’ve been thinking of this for a while. I want the best for us, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to protect us.”  
  
Tiffany let out a huge breath before she started talking. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think she wants to be here any more. She said it herself, she wants her life back. She wants a life outside this. Outside us. So why be selfish by holding her back?”  
  
“What? Why?” Yoona asked Tiffany, before she could stop herself. “I thought you two were friends.”  
  
Tiffany gave her a bitter smile. “We are, and this is why I’m doing this for her. She doesn’t want to be here, so why force her? As they say, if you love her, set her free.”  
  
Yoona blinked. She didn’t think Tiffany would ever want Jessica out of the group, despite that line of reasoning. She braced herself for the next surprise, whatever it was going to be.  
  
“I… I’ve been hearing things…” Sunny said with a sigh. “We’ve been losing endorsements from brands that might be competitors for Blanc, for as long as Jessica is associated with us. And endorsements are our lifeline. She’s not the only one who needs to earn money. We do too… It’s a job as much as it’s a passion, so… I can’t work with someone who’ll compromise my career.”  
  
“But I don’t think she’s selfish for wanting a future,” Seohyun said, looking at the rest of them. “She’s right. We won’t last forever and we all need backup plans. I mean, I myself am studying and juggling activities… but I never let my school work get in the way of SNSD, nor did SNSD get in the way with school as much as possible. But… if she can’t handle it… She has to choose one or the other...”  
  
Sooyoung raised a hand before she spoke up. “As much as she’s my friend and I want her to do well with Blanc, I’m not going to lie. I don’t know much about fashion, but I know all Jessica has going for her is being a member of SNSD. She needs us for as long as her brand hasn’t gained some legitimate footing in the fashion scene. I can’t help but feel used if I think that way… So… I don’t know. Jessica could be using SNSD’s popularity to get fans to buy her stuff.”  
  
“We’re not even sure about that, so let’s not assume things,” Yuri said. “Besides, I think we’re best when we’re complete, whether it’s in name or having everyone there. I mean, we’re one of the few groups from our debut era who hasn’t had member changes. Why mess with something that isn’t broken? Think of what people will say if we lose a member!”  
  
“Think of what people will say if Jessica just doesn’t keep showing up!” Taeyeon said. “She might as well be the inactive member who still gets all the benefits without doing all the work. How’s that fair to the rest of us?”  
  
“I… I don’t know…” Yuri whispered. “Whatever is best for all of us, that’s what I want.”  
  
“But rumor has it that Jessica and Tyler are planning to get married either this October or May next year, and God knows what Tyler would do to the rest of us if we get in the way of his plans,” Hyoyeon said, before anyone else could say anything further. “Joonhyung told me about him. Though they’re friends, Tyler’s apparently kind of… how do I put this? Bad news. Besides, he gives me the creeps.”  
  
“But he—wait… MARRYING HIM? Who said anything about marriage?” Taeyeon asked. “I thought the marriage was going to happen during her hiatus?”  
  
“True, but that’s what I heard,” Hyoyeon shrugged.  
  
“How come I don’t know about this?” Taeyeon hissed. “Did any of you know about this?”  
  
The rest of them shook their heads, as Hyoyeon put her hands up. “Hey, I didn’t know either until Min asked me if the rumors were true!”  
  
“How  _embarrassing_ , for someone outside the group—not to mention another company—to know before we did,” Taeyeon muttered.  
  
“So what did you tell her?” Sooyoung asked.  
  
“I told her that Jessica hasn’t told us anything from the last time we saw her,” Hyoyeon answered. “I couldn’t say that I didn’t know, right?”  
  
“Maybe we should ask Jessica herself before jumping to conclusions?” Yoona suggested, frowning at the thought of not knowing something this big.  
  
“No need,” Tiffany said, looking up from her phone. “I just checked both Jessica and Tyler’s social media accounts. Apparently, Tyler denied the marriage rumors a few days ago.” She passed her phone to the rest of them, showing the aforementioned post.  
  
“But still, Jessica’s been talking about wanting to get married, right?” Sunny said. “What do you think, Yoona?”  
  
Just when she thought she was off the hook from saying her piece, she felt all seven pairs of eyes on her. Yoona looked at them all sullenly. Most of them gave reasons that were inclined toward kicking out Jessica, but those were things beyond Jessica’s control. It wasn’t fair. She didn’t want to have to choose between friendship and her career. How could they throw away their friendship just because they thought their careers were in jeopardy? It was stupid, and Yoona felt herself beginning to snap.  
  
“Yoona?” Tiffany asks. “Your thoughts, please?”  
  
Yoona blinked at them all and sighed before she started talking. “It’s not easy juggling both solo activities and group promotions. As someone who also has solo stuff, I think we should be more understanding of her situation,” she said, hoping that the rest of them would see it from her perspective. “She’s not here as much as we’d like her to be, but at least she’s TRYING, like I do when I have drama tapings.”  
  
“That’s different, Yoona,” Sunny said, as she shook her head. “You did your solo stuff to promote the group, while Jessica is doing her solo stuff while riding on the popularity we have.”  
  
“We’re not sure of that, and aren’t we doing the same now?” Yoona asked, looking at the rest of them. “The reason we’re getting all these offers for endorsements, musicals, dramas, variety shows… It’s because we’re SNSD members. So I don’t see the difference.”  
  
Tiffany put a hand over Yoona’s. “Like Taeyeon said earlier, we don’t need to decide now. We have some time,” she said. “As much as we’d rather not, we need to make a decision eventually.”  
  
Yoona nodded in thanks as Tiffany went over to whisper to Taeyeon. She let out a sigh of relief. She didn’t want to make a decision—not now, not ever.

  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
Yoona hears her own breathing as she takes whatever comfort the hard wooden floor gives her back. She has opted to stay behind to work on the steps over and over again, in order for them to burn in her muscles’ memory. For now, it’s the only way to forget about everything—Jessica’s “official” statement, the things coming out on the Internet, the whispers behind her back, and most of all, this queasy feeling in her stomach that refuses to go away. She knows what it is. She just refuses to give it a name for fear of it growing even more than necessary. She doesn’t need—doesn’t want—to deal with it.  
  
She turns over to her side as though it will make the feeling in her stomach stop. The door to the practice room opens and someone steps inside. Yoona stands up, ready to defend herself if necessary. While she knows there are strict security measures before one can enter the building, it pays to be extra cautious these days. Especially with the situation they were in, and every news outlet and their mother was out to get them.  
  
“Try anything and I can smash your head against the wall,” she says. Her hands are balled into fists and she’s taken on a fighting stance.  
  
“Calm down, it’s just me. I’ve no intentions of hurting anyone,” Ryeowook’s soft voice says as he steps into her line of vision and Yoona relaxes her stance before she sits on the floor. “I saw the others go ahead, why are you still here?”  
  
“Extra practice,” she replies, not bothering to get up even if he is her senior. The two of them get along well enough to do without these formalities in private. “What’s your excuse? Shouldn’t you be at Sukira though? Or at your dorm? Or the music room?”  
  
“It’s been done hours ago. Besides, I left my earphones and a flash drive containing one of my compositions in one of the practice rooms. I can’t remember which practice room though, so I’ve been checking every room since then,” Ryeowook chuckles, pushing aside mountains of flash drives containing different songs. “Extra practice? Since when did you need it? Did you suddenly replace Tiffany as the worst dancer?”  
  
Yoona feels the tears come out of her eyes. She hasn’t laughed this hard in weeks. There’s nothing particularly funny about that comment, and on some other day, she’d probably say “She’s improving!” Tonight, Yoona finds herself rolling on the floor, trying to rein in her laughter. She hasn’t had any reason to laugh like that in a long time, and she wonders when’s the next time she can laugh like that without getting judged.  
  
“No, but I just needed room to breathe,” she says once her breathing is back to normal and she’s no longer reduced to a giggling fit. She looks over to where Ryeowook is making a mess out of the things on the stereo. “Found them? We can’t have Super Junior’s comeback single get compromised now, can we?” In response, Ryeowook holds up a giraffe-shaped flash disk and a long, purple string that Yoona can presume are his earphones.  
  
Yoona just sighs as she rolls over to her side once again. She opens her mouth, but she forgets what she planned to say. She knows there’s something she has to say, but she isn’t sure how to express it. If she can’t talk, the very least she needs is someone to distract her from the chaos in her head. These flashbacks and decisions haunting her every waking hour of her life, and it doesn’t help that everyone she comes in contact with is a direct reminder of what happened—whether it was one of the other girls, their managers, and their labelmates. She settles for a groan as she struggles to find the words she wants to say. She doesn’t want to be left alone with her thoughts, but how does she tell him that without raising suspicion?  
  
Ryeowook stops in his tracks as he looks at her. The excuse Yoona has come up with is forgotten as he puts down the tumbler she suddenly noticed he was holding in front of her. She can only watch as Ryeowook locks the door and dims the lights.  
  
“Have some,” Ryeowook offers the cover of his tumbler to her. Yoona smells some green tea in it as she accepts the makeshift cup. “It was supposed to be for Henry, but looks like you need it more than he does.”  
  
Yoona chuckles as she takes a sip. She lets the tea get into her system and she feels herself relaxing. She’s not sure whether it’s the warmth of the tea, or the thought of finally unloading some of the things burdening her mind that stops the butterflies in her stomach. The words come out before she can stop herself and she’s not sure if this is a good or bad thing.  
  
“Can I trust you?”  
  
Yoona has no idea who to talk to about all her feelings. She has considered talking to Seunggi about this, but he won’t understand. He’s an actor, not a member of a many-membered boy group. She doesn’t exactly want to bring this up at the next group meeting, as they’ll all probably just fight again. If there is anyone who might understand how she feels, it is most likely anyone from Super Junior. One member filed a lawsuit against their company, while the other just quietly left the group to do his own thing. Maybe, Ryeowook just might be that person she’s been looking for.  
  
“I didn’t keep the friends I have by judging them or selling them out, so I don’t intend to start now. Especially not someone important to me,” Ryeowook says, filling the cup before returning it to her.  
  
Of course. Ryeowook wasn’t as loud as some of the other members, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t treacherous. Then again, Ryeowook has always treated everyone well—especially the rookies. Although they are friends, they never exactly had a heart-to-heart conversation. They both have other people to talk to about these things. She’s always wanted to change that, since how can they call themselves friends if they can’t even trust each other? She lets out the breath she hasn’t realized she’s been holding in as she takes that leap of faith.  
  
“Do people stop being sisters once one of them goes away for good?”  
  
Ryeowook momentarily freezes at her words. Everyone’s been dying to know what they really think—face it, who the hell believes what comes out of their CEO’s mouth these days? Yoona’s rebuffed both Heechul’s and Leeteuk’s attempts to get her to talk about the incident, and she can barely look at Krystal whenever they run into each other in the building. She’s almost sure that the reason the trainees who used to approach her have been running away from her these days is because they’re both mystified and horrified with what happened. And now she’s about to give Ryeowook a glimpse of what’s been going on behind the scenes. He may show a naive persona on stage, but both of them know that Ryeowook’s not stupid—he knows where she’s coming from with this line of thought.  
  
“You can still leave if you don’t want to hear anything about it,” Yoona sighs, wondering if she’s scared him off.  
  
Ryeowook shakes his head. “No, you need someone to listen, and I’m willing to be that person… If you’ll let me?”  
  
Yoona makes a sound that she thinks is a mix of a laugh and a sigh. Of course everyone is willing to listen to what she has to say, especially with an issue as juicy as this. It’s excellent gossip fodder. But there’s just something about Ryeowook that convinces Yoona that he’s willing to hear her out and not make any judgments. She isn’t sure if it’s that patient smile, the cup of tea he just poured for her, or his contemplative eyes that convince her to unload everything she has been feeling for the last few months.  
  
“It’s been months since we forced Jessica out of the group, but why can’t we all seem to leave it in the past? Why do I feel like she’s still out to get us for something she asked for in the first place?” Yoona rambles, not caring if she’s making any sense. “I mean, she said she wanted her life back and she has so many plans outside the group. Besides, she kept promoting those sunglasses without thinking about the rest of us. And most of all, why do I even still  _care_  what she’s up to or what she’s doing? ”  
  
Besides nodding, Ryeowook says nothing. Yoona takes it as a sign to continue. “I mean, she’s gone. She’s no longer one of us, as far as management is concerned. The others have learned to live with it, I’m learning to live with it too, so why can’t fans leave us alone about it, saying they want her back? As far as I’m concerned, SNSD is now an eight-member girl group. We’ll still be as strong as ever, without her, right?”  
  
The feeling in her chest gets lighter as she continues talking. Yoona’s never felt this free in months, so she continues. “And I don’t know if you’ve seen the comments, but Jessica’s acting like she’s a saint in all this? Can you believe it? She’s painting herself to be the victim and the rest of us just betrayed her behind her back. She had her faults too! She missed practice a lot. She was always gone. She even thought it was a good idea to go out clubbing the night before a concert!” Yoona can feel the frustration rising and falling as she listed each of Jessica’s faults against the rest of them. “How could she be so careless? Worst of all, she and Tyler Kwon’s cousin were mistaken for Taeyeon unni and me. Can you believe it? Who the hell goes clubbing before a concert?” Swearing isn’t something she normally does in public, but she is just too angry to care at this point and her brain-to-mouth filter has already disappeared the moment she felt Ryeowook wasn’t going to judge her.  
  
“We did what we thought was best for the rest of us,” she continues. “Now Jessica’s one step closer to her dreams, and she’s happy. We did that for her… so why does it feel like we’re being punished for it?”  
  
Ryeowook remains silent for a few minutes, as though thinking hard about what he wants to tell her. Yoona appreciates how he’s taken in all that she said, regardless of how petty or senseless it was, and still make something out of it.  
  
“I think the reason you’re feeling that way is because you haven’t forgiven yourself,” he says, pouring her another cup of tea. “Maybe you haven’t done that because you’re still in denial that you did it.”  
  
“Do you think it was an easy choice for me to make?” she asks. She feels attacked with what he said. She knows what she did. Ryeowook doesn’t need to spell it out for her.  
  
Ryeowook chuckles. “You didn’t let me finish,” he says. “I was going to say that for your conscience, I guess it's just a matter of conviction. If you know you're right, then where's this doubt coming from?"  
  
“But that’s the thing!” Yoona practically shouts as she throws her hands in the air. “I don’t know if I made the right choice!” She should have known Ryeowook is just going to make her feel bad about it. Now she wonders whether talking to him is the right decision. She opens her mouth to argue some more, but Ryeowook beats her to it.  
  
“You’re not the only group who lost members,” he says. Of course. Super Junior has dealt with Han Geng’s lawsuit and Kibum’s disappearance, but they’re still standing as one of the greatest groups there ever was.  
  
“It wasn’t easy for us to accept their departure, especially Han Geng hyung’s,” he says. Yoona can see that the topic still hurts him sometimes. “But he felt like he could no longer handle the conditions here, and he had his own dreams and plans in China. Who were we to stop him? Same thing goes for Kibum. He never wanted to be an idol. Acting was always his plan. We just let him go, because we know that’s what will make him happy.”  
  
“But they left, you didn’t force them out,” Yoona says, pouring a cup of tea for Ryeowook this time. “I can’t help but wonder, what if things were different? How would things be today if we didn’t kick Jessica out of the group. There I said it.”  
  
“It hurts to lose a member in favor of their own ambitions,” he says, as he accepts the cup of tea. “It doesn’t matter, whether you kicked out the person in question, or the person left freely. In the end, things will work out. It will be a long time, but they will. Maybe one day, you’ll just miss each other.”  
  
Yoona chuckles at that one. “Well, Jessica hasn’t had friendly things to say about us, and I don’t think we’ll be allowed to say nice things about her, if we wanted to. So I don’t know if we’re allowed to miss each other.”  
  
“Say what you want, but trust me on this one,” Ryeowook says. “Been there, done that.”  
  
“Fine. You’re the expert after all,” Yoona says, smirking. She doesn’t really believe him just yet, but she hopes that he’s right. “Maybe one day, we can all just joke about this.”  
  
“Losing members is never a joking matter,” Ryeowook whispers. “The memories will always hurt. But it’s up to you to decide which memories are worth keeping and which ones are worth forgetting. Rather than focusing on the things that make me want to be angry with Han Geng hyung and Kibum, I choose to remember the happier times with them. After all, dwelling on bad thoughts isn’t good for anyone.”  
  
Yoona sighs. She’s still not fully convinced just yet, and it looks like Ryeowook knows it too. “I…” she whispers. She wants to say something, but the words escape her the minute she speaks. “I don’t know…”  
  
“Listen to me, Yoona,” he says, taking her hands gently. “I get where you're coming from. It hurts—the guilt, the anger, the confusion, the what-ifs—and it’s not something you easily forget. But we have to live with our choices.”  
  
Yoona wonders how Ryeowook has come across his advice. She almost wants to ask if this is another one of his should-have-dones, or if this is the way he copes with everything. “Live with our decisions, huh?” she whispers, more to herself than to him.  
  
Ryeowook nods. “It’s either you do that, or live in denial, which isn’t going to do you any favors.”  
  
Yoona has to admit that talking with Ryeowook and listening to what he has to say somewhat makes her feel a little better. She’s let out all that she’s been feeling, and Ryeowook is the only person not to punish her for feeling the way she does. She isn’t sure if she wants to live with her decisions, but she’s tired of lying to herself. Maybe she can start with finally naming that feeling in her stomach. “Guilt,” she whispers. “This feeling… It’s guilt.” She sighs, feeling a load get off her chest. Admission of guilt means she’s done something wrong and she’s doing it. One step, closer to acceptance, if Ryeowook is right.  
  
“I can do this,” Yoona says, despite the uncertainty in her words. “I can do this living with my own decisions thing. Thank you, Ryeowook oppa.”  
  
Ryeowook smiles as he listens to her convincing herself. “You’re welcome. You know that my door’s always open for you, or at least, you can reach me by KakaoTalk if you want to talk,” he says, standing up. “It’s getting late. I’ll call our managers to pick us up.”  
  
“I’m free from this guilt,” Yoona whispers to herself. “I’m living with my decisions…”  
  
She still has doubts whether admitting what she did, apologizing for it, and then living with the consequences is the best way to go. And from the smile on his face, Ryeowook knows it too.  
  
“I believe in you,” he says, smiling as he opens the door for them both.  
  
“Phew,” Yoona mutters. Looks like her acting skills are improving. If she can convince Ryeowook that she’s accepted everything already, then maybe she can convince herself of it too.  
  
“You do know it’s not the same as believing you, right?” Ryeowook asks.  
  
Yoona frowns. Now she’s confused. He just said he believes in her, right? She isn’t sure what the difference is, so she can’t help but ask, “What do you mean?”  
  
“I said I believe in you,” Ryeowook says, smiling at her. “It doesn’t mean I  _believe_  what you’re  _saying_."  
  
Yoona isn’t sure if she understands what he means, but she nods anyway, prompting him to continue.  
  
“You’re still on the road to acceptance. I believe IN your ability to do the right thing, at your own pace. When that day comes, that’s when I’ll also believe what you say,” Ryeowook continues.  
  
Oh. He can see right through that mask she’s putting on. The mask that she’s alright, especially now that she’s acknowledging her guilt over her decisions.  
  
“But for your peace of mind, I’ll pretend I believe you’re fine too,” Ryeowook chuckles as if he managed to hear her thoughts.  
  
Yoona laughs along as she embraces him. “Thank you,” she whispers as she lets him go.  
  
“You’ll be OK, Yoona,” he says, as he sees their managers arrive. “I know you can do it. Don’t force yourself to accept things right away. Do it at your own capacity. You’ll know when it comes.”  
  
Yoona nods as they exchange another hug. She watches as Ryeowook waves goodbye, and she can’t help but smile as she recalls what he’s been telling her.  
  
She wants to do it, if not for herself, then for Ryeowook. He’s a good person, and he doesn’t just blindly have faith in people. Yoona wants to be deserving of that trust. If Ryeowook can believe in her, that’s enough for now. Maybe one day, she’ll achieve the closure and acceptance she seeks.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Management, through Taeyeon, approached them with a document that would formalize Jessica’s ouster from SNSD. In order to make it official, all it needed were the signatures of the other eight members. Apparently, Jessica had known of this document before the rest of them, which was probably why she went to visit a lawyer the day they had that meeting without her. Yoona wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone any more than necessary, especially now that management was using the other members to pressure her into making a decision.  
  
“Yoona, you need to make a choice,” Taeyeon had said earlier when they were alone in the practice room. Yoona heard the desperation in her voice, yet she refused to acknowledge it. “Most of us have already signed the papers, and honestly, you’re one of the few management’s waiting for.”  
  
Yoona scowled as she looked away. She wasn’t in the mood to make that decision.  
  
“I know you don’t want to make the decision, and I don’t like pestering you…” Taeyeon whispered. “But the bosses are nagging me every waking second of my life.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Taeyeon unni,” Yoona sighed. “But I just can’t do it.”  
  
Taeyeon pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a noise that Yoona wasn’t sure was a sigh or a scream before she nodded. “I understand. Just… let Manager Minjin know when you’re ready.”  
  
Apparently, it was her signature they were all waiting for before Jessica was officially dismissed from the group. She wondered what made at least the others decide they could no longer work with Jessica, who’s been their friend for more than 10 years.  
  
“I signed it two days ago… She doesn’t want to be here, anymore, Yoona,” Tiffany said when Yoona asked her about it. “You heard her. She has a life outside SNSD and she doesn’t care about the rest of us.”  
  
“But didn’t she just say that she still wanted to be part of the group?”  
  
“That’s what she said, but her actions are proving otherwise. As her friend, I’m just setting her free,” Tiffany sighed. “Besides, I’m sick of playing referee between her and Taeyeon. I’m going to miss her a lot though.”  
  
“You’re so sure that she’ll be gone,” Yoona said, keeping her face as impassive as possible.  
  
Tiffany sighed again. “There were at least four signatures by the time I decided to sign it,” she said. “It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, but I had to do it for the sake of my, no, our futures.”  
  
Yoona blinked as Tiffany was called over to fit her costumes. She didn’t want to know who had already signed the document and who hadn’t yet. She next approached Yuri, who was stretching on the floor.  
  
“You already signed the thing?” Yoona asked as she sat on the floor and held onto Yuri’s feet as the latter bent over. She was grasping for straws at this point, wondering if Yuri was one of the four people Tiffany was talking about.  
  
“How did you know?” Yuri groaned once she sat up straight. “Just before I came in here… That was why I stayed behind a bit… I was hoping you wouldn’t find out until after dinner…”  
  
“What?” Yoona frowned. She was only speculating, but Yuri’s answer was all the confirmation she needed. “I didn’t! I was only wondering what you thought about this whole thing… but I guess I got my answer… and why until after dinner?”  
  
“Well, Seohyun already told me to tell you not to make any dinner plans with anyone,” Yuri replied, looking around to make sure no one was listening. “She didn’t say what for.. but yeah…”  
  
As Yuri had mentioned earlier, once practice was done for the day, Seohyun had invited Yoona and Yuri for dinner at a noodle place near their homes. This was bizarre in itself, as the maknae rarely offered to pay, and TaeTiSeo had promotions for “Holler” so she was supposed to be under a strict diet.  
  
“I am. But it’s still healthier than fast food.” Seohyun grinned when Yoona asked her about it. “Besides, I have to talk to you two… Alone.”  
  
Yoona offered to drive them all to the noodle place, as she was the only one who brought a car among them that day. None of them said anything, save for Seohyun instructing her where to go. Yoona wondered if this was because of hunger or were they all just avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. Things didn’t change even after they arrived and ordered their noodles. All three of them ate in silence, avoiding each other’s gaze.  
  
Seohyun put down her chopsticks and cleared her throat to get their attention.  
  
“The thing is… I asked you out to dinner… since I wanted to talk about… the papers,” she said, looking straight at them.  
  
Yoona put down her spoon and sighed. She knew it was going to come to this, and wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk about this in a semi-public place. Although it was a hidden hole-in-the-wall kind of place that not many people frequented and the three of them were practically the only customers there now that it was close to midnight, she still had her reservations about talking about something so private outside their dorm.  
  
“I… I saw you, Yuri unni. I saw that you signed the papers this morning,” Seohyun said.  
  
Yuri frowned. “How? I thought it was only Manager Minijn and I who were left at the lobby.”  
  
“I thought I left my bag in the van, remember?” Seohyun said. “I went out to get it, and I saw you two. I was about to ask it from you, since you were holding it… but… I heard what you two were saying. So there.”  
  
Yoona sighed. She knew Yuri and Jessica were pretty close as well, but she didn’t have Tiffany’s excuse of playing referee between Jessica and Taeyeon to use. In fact, Yuri almost always took Jessica’s side in fights, unless they were the ones fighting. “Why though? Weren’t you the one who said that we’re best when we’re complete?”  
  
Yuri’s face looked sad as she looked out the window. “It was something she told me last night that made me do it.”  
  
Yoona and Seohyun exchanged glances. They both hadn’t been able to talk to Jessica recently because of their busy schedules, while Yuri was the least busy among the three of them, so it was more likely that she had heard stuff they didn’t know.  
  
“What did she say?” Yoona asked.  
  
“It was something about renewing her contract,” Yuri said, sighing.  
  
“You know, I wondered about that too, but I wasn’t complaining,” Seohyun said. “Since I thought we’d all be together as nine for at least three more years and that she was going to postpone her hiatus.”  
  
“Same here. It was a shock, but I wasn’t upset either,” Yoona said, as she put down her chopsticks. “I never asked her why she renewed her contract, but now that you mention it…”  
  
“If you thought she renewed because she missed us, then you’re wrong. That’s what I thought until we talked last night,” Yuri spat out. “You were still in Chinese class, Yoona, while Seohyun, you were rehearsing for for TaeTiSeo’s comeback showcase. That’s why you missed it.”  
  
Yoona had never seen Yuri this upset, save for the time Jessica thought she was putting moves on Taecyeon and how they didn’t talk for months. But that looked like childish tantrums compared to Yuri’s current mood.  
  
“What did she say?” Yoona prompted.  
  
“Apparently her renewing of her contract wasn’t her idea. She didn’t really want to renew her contract, but  _Tyler_ convinced her to do so for the sake of the brand,” Yuri muttered, stabbing her ramen in between words. “She knew being an SNSD member meant that we were going to be there for her while she waited to get her brand out there… So yeah… I feel like she didn’t renew because she loves us, but for the sake of Blanc… which just...”  
  
Yoona and Seohyun took turns in consoling Yuri as they rubbed her arms and put an arm around her. No wonder Yuri was upset and decided to sign the contract, especially if she felt betrayed like this. Part of Yoona wanted to believe that it was all just a misunderstanding. She couldn’t very well impose her own thoughts, especially now that Yuri was distraught and angry.  
  
“Call me a bad friend, but if I look at it that way, I kind of feel betrayed,” Yuri rambled, looking at her half-empty ramen bowl. “I don’t know… I feel bad, but… Yeah. If I could explain my jumbled up feelings, I would.”  
  
Yoona resumed eating her noodles as she thought of what to say to Yuri. She was at a loss for words, which she hid by keeping her mouth full. It turned out that she didn’t need to say something since Seohyun decided to speak up.  
  
“Now you that mentioned that, it reminded me of why I asked you both out to dinner,” she said, pushing her bowl aside. “Honestly, do you think Sica unni’s being selfish with what she’s doing? Wanting to do everything at once—her brand, her studies, and well us?”  
  
Yoona shook her head. “I don’t think so. At least… Not really,” she said. “I know that we’re not getting any younger and that eventually, we as a group will be nothing. I get that she’s just preparing for a life after that.”  
  
“There’s nothing wrong with preparing for a life after us,” Seohyun nodded. “But lately, I’ve been feeling like Jessica doesn’t care about how her actions will impact the rest of us. Maybe I’ve been listening to Taeyeon unni and Tiffany unni too much… I don’t know. But Blanc seems to be her priority and we seem to be a side job to her… and I just… wonder if it’s OK if we decide to be selfish too.”  
  
“What do you mean by that?” Yoona asked. Seohyun rarely talked about wanting to be selfish as she was one of the most generous people Yoona had ever met.  
  
“I mean, going into this venture, Jessica unni has every right to protect and secure a future for herself, but what about the rest of us?” Seohyun whispered as she played with her chopsticks. “Hasn’t she ever thought of the consequences of what she’s doing? Having to learn her parts besides our own? And how our attending of events relies on whether she can make it or not?”  
  
“What?” Yoona and Yuri chorus at the same time.  
  
Seohyun let out a long-suffering sigh which was unlike anything they’ve heard from her before. “Apparently, there are some appearances which we had to cancel because Sica unni couldn’t make it at the last minute. Or at least, they had to make us go as TaeTiSeo. And the reason for our practice time changes? It was all for Sica unni… When we had stuff to do, the schedules weren’t adjusted for us… So… I didn’t know what to make of all this…”  
  
Yoona blinked. Now that Seohyun had raised those points, she now saw what Seohyun meant about how the rest of them were adjusting for Jessica, and how in return, Jessica still managed to cancel on them last minute.  
  
“But you know her schedule isn’t dictated by management right?” Yuri asked.  
  
“Exactly why this whole thing makes me feel like she’s being selfish. There she is with her own schedule, which she’s free to change at will, and we suffer the consequences.” Seohyun said. “I was planning to ask how you’d have felt about me signing the papers from management. And with what Yuri unni said, I think… I think it’s time I’m selfish too...”  
  
Yoona had a feeling what Seohyun intended to do, but that didn’t mean that she liked it. She knew that no matter what amount of persuasion would convince their intelligent and headstrong maknae from going about her plans.  
  
“I’m going to sign that contract tomorrow…” the maknae said. “I… I know I said it’s not wrong for Jessica unni to want a future, but I need to protect my present and possible future as well. As much as I love her, I have to fight for what is best for me too. I’m sorry…”  
  
Despite the hugs all three of them exchanged, Yoona knew she was now all alone in wanting Jessica to stay.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They had just finished another costume fitting for their Tokyo Dome concert, as Jessica was flying to New York the following day. Instead of wanting to go home and sleep, as her usual habit, Jessica had invited Yoona to have coffee at the nearby coffee shop.  
  
“How long will you be in New York?” Yoona asked, in an attempt to make conversation. The last few days had been stressful for all of them, and by now everyone knew Yoona was the only one who refused to sign that document. It was like walking on eggshells whenever someone would mention Jessica’s name these days.  
  
“I’ll be back in time for the Shenzhen fanmeet, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jessica replied as she stirred some sugar into her coffee.  
  
“What will you be doing over there? Wedding plans?” Yoona joked, trying to lighten the mood. That wasn’t the best joke to make at the moment, but she knew it was one of the few that would elicit a reaction out of Jessica.  
  
“Not wedding plans yet, though I wish that was the case,” Jessica said, suddenly sounding more excited than she had been all day. “I’m actually starting to apply for design schools there. This is it, one step closer to my dream of being a designer and the world will wear my creations.”  
  
Yoona nodded. This wasn’t new to her, but at the same time, she felt as though she was left behind with Jessica’s plans. “When do you start studying though? I mean, with the group’s activities and the business, how will you find time?”  
  
“Next year I will study abroad,” Jessica answered. “If I quit Girls’ Generation, I will become a designer. I’ve already mentioned this. And then, I also want to get married.”  
  
“About marriage… There were a lot of marriage rumors surrounding you and Tyler, and it doesn’t help that you have that ring,” Yoona muttered, pointing at the Tiffany and Co. band Jessica had on her ring finger. “I know this is stupid to ask, but yeah… Are you planning to get married soon?”  
  
Jessica laughed louder than what Yoona expected. “I mean, I want to get married but there’s just too much that’s in the way,” she said, waving a hand as if she was brushing off the rumors. “But if anything, I think we’ll have to get married in either Hong Kong or the US.”  
  
“Of course there’s a lot to do.. There’s fanmeets, SMTown concerts, and then the Tokyo Dome concert this December! And that new album we’re working on… the one that’s supposed to be your last before your hiatus,” Yoona chuckled dryly. “How will you find time to sit down and plan a wedding?”  
  
Jessica shook her head. “I wasn’t talking about that stuff, silly,” she said. Yoona frowned at this. Jessica was still an SNSD member and she will be going on hiatus after the next album, so of course Jessica had to give her time to these schedules.  
  
“I was actually talking about having a lot to do for Blanc,” Jessica said. “After sunglasses, the next we’ll be putting out is fragrances, and then we’ll be going into accessories, like bags and scarves. And the most exciting part of it is that by next year, there will be ready-to-wear items under my label. Oh it’s a lot, but we’re also selling to other parts of Asia… China, Hong Kong, Korea, Malaysia, Japan… I can see it now!”  
  
Yoona couldn’t bring herself to be the party-pooper as Jessica talked about her plans for her brand. After all, the fruits of Jessica’s labor have materialized. “I don’t think I’ve been this excited for anything!” Jessica squealed. “I really don’t know if you can understand how I’m feeling right now, Yoona. No performance has excited me this much!”  
  
Yoona blinked at those words. “Not even getting to perform at Tokyo Dome? Or even our first solo concert back then?”  
  
“Not even those. I mean, it’s amazing to perform a solo concert at Tokyo Dome, but it’s that. Another concert among the many we’ve done,” Jessica said.  
  
“Another concert?” Yoona asked, raising an eyebrow at Jessica.  
  
Even some of Japan’s most-established singers have yet to perform at Tokyo Dome, so this honor being bestowed on them is something Yoona can’t even imagine. To her, performing there means, that as a group, SNSD has made it. Meanwhile, Jessica merely dismissed this opportunity as another ordinary concert? All those nights of endless practices, recordings, and brainstorming didn’t mean as much to Jessica as they did to Yoona?  
  
Jessica sighed. “Not that I’m judging your being excited to get to perform there. I mean it IS Tokyo Dome. But really, Yoona… Aren’t you sick of it yet? The stress, the fatigue, the dieting, everything?”  
  
Yoona shrugged, not really knowing what Jessica was trying to tell her. She couldn’t help but feel judged for still being passionate about being on stage. Despite the negative things about being a performer, there were a lot of positive things too. This was something she had always dreamed of since she was a child, and although it wasn’t exactly like her fantasies, Yoona didn’t want to trade the experience for anything else. After all, how many parents in the world get to tell their children that they were once on top of the world?  
  
“I can’t wait to get out of here. This idol life is rather limiting, and I feel so trapped,” Jessica said, decisively. She put down her teaspoon as though to emphasize her point. “Frankly, I’m so done with this whole idol business. I should have gotten out when I had the chance.”  
  
Yoona froze in her tracks. She knew that all of them had said the same words out of frustration and fatigue before. But this was the first time that she actually felt like someone meant it. Sure, they were all burned out and the feeling that they were slowly being replaced was getting to them, but if anything, Yoona wanted to go down with her head held high and with beautiful memories.  
  
“If you wanted out so badly, why’d you renew your contract?” Yoona asked. This had bothered her ever since Yuri told them about it. “We all thought you were already going to leave back then… but why’d you renew it? If you hadn’t… you’d be… as you wanted, free.”  
  
Jessica sighed. “I didn’t want to leave things hanging with you, and mostly… it was a business decision. I had to safeguard my future…”  
  
So Yuri was right after all. She didn’t renew because she wanted to spend more time with them. How could she have been so blind and naive? All this time, she thought Jessica was willing to put her plans on hold for the sake of the group. Turns out, she was only thinking of herself as she renewed her contract  _AND_  started her business plans.  
  
“Yoona, are you OK?” Jessica asked, her brow furrowing in concern. “Are you—Sorry, Tyler’s here!”  
  
Yoona looked outside the window to see Tyler waving at them. She groaned as Jessica’s face broke into a smile. “Oh no! I need to go,” Jessica gasped. “That reminds me, I have an early flight to New York. Wish me luck with my applications, Yoong! See you when I do!”  
  
Yoona could only manage a half-hearted smile as she exchanged hugs with Jessica. She watched as the other woman rushed out of the coffee shop. She played around with her iced coffee’s straw, as though she was stirring her thoughts and trying to melt them all away.  
  
How could Jessica be so willing to drop everything the moment Tyler appeared? Whatever happened to prioritizing your friends over your love life? Yoona sighed as she watched the brown liquid swirl some more. She wasn’t sure if she was being petty about this, but didn’t Jessica care about how she felt any more? Had the roles been reversed, that’s not what she would have done. If anything, she would have made Seunggi wait for her inside (she wasn’t that heartless to make him wait in the cold) until Jessica was fine. It wasn’t anything major, but a small part of her felt a little betrayed, if she was going to be honest with herself. It didn’t help that the reason for Yoona’s prior distress was also caused by Jessica.  
  
Yoona looked up only to cringe as she saw herself on the coffee shop’s television screen. Apparently, they were airing re-runs of  _Prime Minister and I_. As much as she enjoyed filming the drama, the stress of filming that and preparing for their “Mr. Mr.” comeback suddenly haunted her. Her bones suddenly ached as the memories of juggling filming and learning choreography came back. She could suddenly feel the pain in her vocal chords, which she strained in between reciting her lines for the drama and recording her parts. That was the only time she didn’t mourn her lack of singing lines in most of their songs. What she lacked in singing, she had to compensate for in dancing and being the face of the group.  
  
“She is our center Yoong!” The members have said this thousands of times, and that was a role Yoona took to heart, even if she didn’t show it. As the so-called “face” of the group, it was up to her to maintain a good image. She knew that one step out of line, and she was done for. Not only was her career on the line, but the entire group’s. If anything, she felt as though she was somehow carrying the rest of them. This was more prevalent during their debut days.  
  
Back when she was filming  _You Are My Destiny_ , and even today, she always referred to herself as “SNSD’s Yoona,” unless it wasn’t necessary. Although Yoona wasn’t with any of the other members when she filmed all her dramas, she always had the rest of them in mind. In the end, she always found herself happiest when she promoted with the rest. That was why she couldn’t wait to catch up on what she missed despite her fatigue from filming. Although she had been hailed as a promising actress, she was first and foremost a member of SNSD. Everything she had right now—endorsements, drama offers, movies, variety show appearances, magazine covers, and opportunities—was thanks to being with SNSD.  
  
Yoona cringed at her own acting some more, before she turned her attention to her ringing mobile. It had a message from her manager about her film’s screen test in two days. Yoona still wondered what the casting directors saw in her and offered her the roles. Then again, it could be management just trying to make things happen, because in the end, whatever she did, was money for them. Yoona sighed as she suddenly understood what Sunny meant when they all talked in the dorm before.  
  
Whenever she had a schedule different from everyone else, it wasn’t something she chose, but management did for her. Fine, maybe she had some input on which drama roles she preferred based on what management presented to her. In the end, her solo activities were sanctioned by the higher-ups. Whatever she did was still to keep herself (and by extension the rest of her group) relevant to the public eye. More than being a possible post-SNSD career, these dramas were management’s subtle way of keeping the group in the limelight. After all, the roles they had been choosing for Yoona (and the rest of them) were those that were aligned with the entire group’s image—the sweet, wholesome, and lovable girls next door. And who was a better candidate to embody that image than the group’s visual herself?  
  
On the other hand, there was Jessica. Her business served no one but herself. Yoona personally didn’t have any problem with that, but if it got in the way of her commitment as a member of SNSD, then it wasn’t fair to the rest of them. There was also how Jessica seemed to be incredibly out of it lately. She wasn’t focused during the few rehearsals she was actually present for, and how she didn’t seem interested in any of the things planned for their latest solo concert. They were all tired of the hectic life being in the group brought, but whether they liked it or not, SNSD was their bread and butter. They all made a commitment for at least three more years. That was a decision they all agreed to live by, before they all made plans for the next phases of their lives. But somehow, that wasn’t what Jessica was thinking, with how she quickly and willingly dropped any of their schedules for Blanc. Yoona herself never dropped a group schedule in favor of her drama schedules, unless it was something they had agreed upon months or weeks ago. She never sprung any surprises like those Jessica had been giving them the last few months.  
  
Jessica herself said it. She was done with being an idol. The only things keeping her in the industry are her need for a backup plan and maybe Yoona’s reluctance to let her go. Yoona sighed as she watched herself on TV again. While it wasn’t wrong to plan a future outside the group, it was only now that she understood what the rest were thinking. If one was obsessed with preparing for the future, the present ended up getting neglected. SNSD was the only constant in her life for the last decade, and she wasn’t just going to allow anyone to ruin it all for her before it was due. Jessica had chosen to live in a future away from the rest of them. Maybe Yoona had known this all along, but it took some time for her heart to accept it. It was a difficult decision to make, but she knew what she had to do. She dialled a familiar number, wondering if this was really the best thing to do.  
  
“Manager Minjin, I think I’m ready…”  
  
  
  
  
  
  


✮✮✮

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The day they’ve all been waiting for is finally here. This Tokyo Dome concert is what most people believe is the start of a new era for SNSD. Whether Yoona likes to admit it or not, this is their first solo concert without Jessica. Despite what Jessica says about things being rather repetitive as an idol, the lights and sounds on stage still give Yoona an adrenaline rush like no other. They can see the way the fans react to whatever they’re doing at once. It isn’t like in acting, wherein it takes time before the fans get to see the result of the cast and crew’s hard work. That feeling of being on stage and knowing she has the ability to touch other people’s lives never gets old.  
  
Originally, this concert is supposed to celebrate the four years they have spent as Shojou Jidai, as Jpop artists. As they step on stage for their opening number, “Flower Power,” she can barely contain her delight at the sight of the sea of pink lights still shining for them. Taeyeon had once begged for their fans to trust in them as a group just one more time, and Yoona isn’t certain if they deserve that faith. But judging by the amount of fans at the venue, somehow her heart is at ease as she continues to sing and dance on stage.  
  
Yoona isn’t sure whether to be bothered or not by the way they’re trying to cope with Jessica’s departure. They’re acting like nothing’s changed, but at the same time, they’re hinting at a new era. She can't help but wonder if the fans feel the same way. Everything is the same, yet at the same time everything has changed. They're singing the same songs, dancing the same steps, but they've lost a member. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how many times they try to promise that. They've already broken their promise to their fans to stay together forever because of what they did to Jessica. No amount of apologies will be enough to earn the fan's forgiveness, but Yoona knows the rest of them have to work to earn that trust back. They all have to move forward, as it wouldn't do for them to dwell on the past.  
  
There's only one more song left before this concert is over. Months of rehearsals, fights, tears, vocal strain, and other sacrifices have come to this moment. The moment where they put it all out there for their fans. They let out all their pent up insecurities, fears, and reservations as they sing and dance on stage. Whether Yoona likes to admit it or not, it is when they perform that they are at their most vulnerable. The fans can see every move they make, whether rehearsed or not. This is also when they are at their most honest.  
  
As they walk back on stage for their last song, Yoona goes back to memory lane as she sees her younger self on the giant screens, introducing herself for the first time. She remembers how that was the start of an entirely new journey for her. She can't help but ask herself if the fans can understand the message they want to convey.  
  
As Taeyeon starts singing, Yoona can't help but feel how the song's meaning and context can change in the span of a few months.  
  
_"You're waiting for a special miracle,"_  Yoona sings Jessica's former line.  _"There's a rough road ahead of us."_  
  
How ironic that she gets this line. It’s exactly how she’s been feeling since Jessica left. She’s been waiting for a miracle that would wash away all her sins and guilt. The ballad version of "Into the New World" was Tiffany's idea when they were coming up with ideas for the concert as early as last year. After all, what is a better way to mark the start of a new era than a more mature version of the song that started it all for them? Now, it still signals the start of new beginnings, but unlike the simpler idea of just growing up, Yoona can't help but feel that it's also a way of saying this is their beginning without Jessica.  
  
Soon, they’re all joining hands as they form a circle, holding hands as they look into each other’s eyes. Yoona wonders if the others can see the joy, sadness, regret, and forgiveness in hers. This moment is a transition between holding on to past memories and the beginning of something new. She sees it in the eyes of the others. There is a little prickle in her heart as she wills herself to move forward. They all look at Seohyun, who is about to break their circle and face the audience again. She doesn’t need to say a word, it is written on her face—“It hurts, but I’m ready.”  
  
_“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,”_  Seohyun sings.  
  
Yoona feels the pain in Seohyun’s voice. It hurts to be betrayed and to be left behind. People have come and go in their lives. It took a long time to build connections, yet it only took a single word for all that to be reduced to nothing. All the memories involved in that relationship becomes a thing of the past, and it’s up to you whether you want to hold on to them or not. No matter what you choose, it’s a painful decision to make.  
  
_“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,”_  Sunny joins in. She’s crying so hard that she can barely get the words out.  
  
This time, it’s an apology. They betrayed Jessica. There. Yoona finally admits it to herself. They tried to protect SNSD as a group, yet somehow, they have failed their fans. Now, this is the moment wherein they ask for SONE’s forgiveness and ask for one more chance. The fact that the fans weren’t saying a single word, as they usually would during these times of silence, is enough for Yoona to know that they understand the message she and the other girls are sending.  
  
_“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,”_  Tiffany belts out, as the rest of them join in, singing the same words.  
  
This time, it’s for themselves, who’ve been through so much, yet they’re still here. They’re complete, but at the same time, they’re not. This is in a way, their way of forgiveness. As much as Yoona can’t believe it, the sight of the shining pink lights is enough to convince her to accept the pardon she and the other members have been exchanging. They’ve forgiven each other for the decisions they’ve made, the things they’ve done, and the words they’ve said.  
  
Some of those declarations of love are for Jessica. She is no longer a part of SNSD, but in Yoona’s heart—and probably the other members—Jessica Jung will always be one of them. They may be able to take over in terms of singing her lines and dancing her steps, but the memories they made with her are things no one can replace.  
  
Yoona’s held on to the past long enough, and she knows she needs to move on toward an uncertain future. She looks up as she silently sets Jessica free from her memories. They both have new lives now. Yoona looks at the other members with her onstage and the fans whose shining lights are a symbol that they’ve forgiven what she’s done. They are the present she has to cherish. The living, breathing reality in front of her. There’s no use clinging to the ghost of the past.  
  
“Thank you for being a part of my life, Sica unni. I’m sorry things had to be this way…” Yoona thought to herself as she and the other members held hands for their final bow. There are people willing to support her as she accepts the consequences of what she’s done. She feels the grip of Tiffany’s hand on hers saying, “We’re here for you. We will help each other out.”  
  
_“It’s something we will do together until the end, into our new world”_  
  
  
  


**END**  
  
---  
  
**Author's Note:**

> * This is possibly the most emotionally draining fic I've written for the Kpop fandom. I was a bit out of loop with the SNSD fandom when I decided to write this. Written for the 2015 Cycle of Kpop Olymfics. Original entry [here](http://kpop-olymfics.livejournal.com/130642.html). Also posted on [my LJ.](http://pseudoreports.livejournal.com/16165.html)  
> 
> * Thank you to Agent A, Red Panda, Biscuit 007, Danger Eagle 6, J.D Vector Slice, and Lone Devil 1 for putting some sense into this, holding my hand, listening to my rants, and helping me find the will to finish. To the boss Agent Porcupine, who encouraged us and had fun with us, you are AMAZING. Finally, to Team Spies aka Team Canon, here’s to never getting our shit together. ~~Despite surprisingly getting our shit together and winning the whole thing~~  
> 
> * The title was taken from the song “[Stay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVerSjYASXQ)” by SNSD-TaeTiSeo.  
> 
> * This is the [Into the New World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98zLoRZRP9o) performance at Tokyo Dome that reduced probably every Sone to tears. CRY WITH ME. I would like to thank Dan for letting me know this exists. For without it, I never would have known how to end this fic.br />
>   
> 


End file.
